A legally brain-dead guidette teen could be hanging upside-down in a spray-tan chamber for up to a half hour and not miss any plot development on "Jersey Shore." So, as we dig once again through the best quotes from last week's episode, here's all you need to know: Deena hooked up with a girl, and Ronnie is a bloated angry monster.
"It was supposed to be a ménage à twin, but my whole menagerie went awry." -The Situation
“The truth is, me and Deena did tag team a girl, but robbing is not teamwork. It's called tag team... not tag rob. It wasn't a good tag team.” -Vinny
These two quotes go together for two (twin?) reasons. Obviously, they're related in that the wayward second twin of Mike The Situation's errant three-way is the same alcohol-powered oral sex machine (and erstwhile virgin) who precipitated the tug of war between Vinny and Deena. But more importantly, the top sentence is a hilariously well-constructed piece of accidental genius, the kind of turn of phrase you might actually find to be quite clever if it weren't so clear that The Situation couldn't define 'menagerie' with a loaded gun to his temple. In contrast, Vinny's fairly blunt assessment of the 'tag team' is strangely insightful despite being almost entirely monosyllabic.
"I had a lesbianic experience. I licked a nipple once." -Snooki
There's nothing really to add here, but come on. That's the best thing Snooki has ever said, especially if the womanly nipple in question turns out to belong to The Situation.
Unrelated sidenote: after the very first episode ever of this show, where she dressed like this and saw Pauly D's pierced penis, who would have ever made the bet that J-WOWW would become the quietest member of the cast? Seriously, she looks like she works the day shift at the Van Nuys Spearmint Rhino, but somehow she's become the loyal, relatively sober den mother to the other trainwrecks of this cast. Uncanny.
"Marco wasting all that wine is like alcohol abuse, cuz, I definitely would have drank that." -Snooki
I've always considered forcing the cast to work to be a waste of time when all we really want to see is drunken hookups and 'roid rage, but I realize that these workplace segments are actually an alarmingly bleak look at these peoples' lives in about 10 years. With the possible exception of Snooki (who has some actual crossover appeal) and The Situation (who can possibly eke out a living on the reality C-List indefinitely), the rest of this cast will burn through their money and need real jobs at some point. When this dark day arrives, Deena has proven that she is actually unqualified to make pizza.
"I've been blinded by what, fucking vagina? I told you, I don't put pussy on a pedestal, I put it on the couch and the floor, where it fucking goes, the same place I smash." -Ronnie
"Now I'm gonna flip the fuck out on this kid. Now I'm about to fucking get real fucking gully." -Ronnie
Okay kids, serious lesson time: if you ever hear a 5'5" guy who can't fit sideways through doors saying either of the quotes above, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY. He is experiencing something called anabolic hypomania, or roid rage. Do not try to talk him down, and do not make eye contact with him.
While I've been not-all-that-secretly waiting for The Situation to get punched in the face since the very first episode, this does not excuse Ronnie for being a complete psychopath and a horrible person. Leading Sammi Sweet Tart on while planning to fly other girls out to Italy is like telling a 4-year-old that Santa Claus was murdered; she's too simple not to believe you, and she's going to think it was her fault. Ronnie is the strongest argument I've ever seen for pre-emptively jailing someone before they commit a depraved quadruple homicide.
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Thursday, March 13
Sean MacPherson took some time out to chat with us about his new restaurant, so click through to find out why we\'re calling Margaux your new go-to in NYC.