The new season of "Jersey Shore" creeped up on us last week, bringing us right back to where and why we fell in love with the guidos and guidettes of season one, minus that dirty hamster, Angelina. We also met new housemate and fellow Snooki "meatbawl", Deena, who proved within a span of a few hours of filming that she might be the biggest shitshow of the cast. As always, the inaugural episode was loaded with some grade-A zingers which we would be remiss to not give due recognition, so we bring you our favorite lines from "Jersey Shore" episode 1:
Vinny introduces us to his new Shore house investment, which will most definitely play a part in the season's story line.
Vinny: "I bought a little *shower caddy* so no one fucks with my shampoo and soaps and stuff."
Mark my words: we have not seen the last of the shower caddy.
Deena: "You never know what happens when you put a little cherry vodka in Deena Nicole's blood, so... Ha!"
- Vinny enlightens us on what significance the Jersey Shore holds for him and his lineage, driving the point home with an astute analogy:
Vinny: "The Jersey Shore is in my blood. My father went to the Jersey Shore, my uncles went to the Jersey Shore, I have to go where I belong. Like a monkey has to go to the fuckin' jungle, I belong at the Jersey Shore."
And its significance for Snooki:
Snooki: "I'm just really, really excited to like, be back in Seaside. This is, like, gorilla-juicehead-guido heaven."
Jwoww: "I actually feel bad for Mike, because he really got the shit end of the stick."
This brought about the revelation that we've been getting the expression wrong all this time and saying "short end" when, clearly, this makes much more sense. Embarrassing.
Deena: "I love to have a good time. I'm single, ready to mingle, annnnd I'm just like a wawwlking holiday."
Ever the quick-witted wordsmith, The Situation once again knocks it out of the park:
Mike: "If Deena was a holiday, she'd definitely be Thanksgiving, 'cause she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing."
The episode takes a turn for the raunchy when the sun goes down and the roommates get to drinking. Things really start to heat up when Deena asks Mike to come help her find her 'blast in a glass' cowboy hat. Thankfully, Pauly D is there to clue us in what this might mean:
Pauly: "'Cowboy hat' is probably anothuh term for 'Deena's kooka.'"
It also means "nahnah":
Deena: "When Mike saw my nahnah, I was just like 'oh my goddd!' Like, a DAY? Reallly? It took a day for somebody to see my goods. I can't."
Jwoww: "Deena accidentally showed her kooka to Mike. Man, every first day in Jersey, just something crazy goes down."
We also learn that Jwoww has boundaries this season and will draw the line with her roommates when she needs to:
Jwoww: "If I see your fuckin' penis rise, I'm goin' ta bed."
Deena: "You saw my nahnah."
We're going to go out on a limb here and say this not the last time we will hear Deena utter these words this season.
- Even a lotharia like The Situation was left agape by Deena's seductive peep show of removing only her bikini bottoms and doing a teetering slow-mo twirl:
Mike: "Nobody has ever, EVER gotten butt, butt, butt naked!"
Deena: "DON'T TAWWWK TA ME THE WAY YOU'RE TAWWWKIN' TA ME!"
As the episode starts coming to a close and tempers in the house begin to escalate, Deena's bestie Snooki explains these feisty guidettes are not afraid to throwdown:
Snooki: "You don't wanna piss owwff Deena because even though we're tiny bitches, I don't giveashit: I will fuckin' attack you like a *squirrel monkey*"
But when Shnooks jumps into Deena and Sammi's pissing match, Ronnie intervenes with a doozie of a jab in Snickers' direction:
Ronnie: "Aright Snook, you need to relax, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKIN' LOSER FROM POUGHKEEPSIE, AND YOU KNOW IT."
OH SNAP! We're left on the edge of our seats when the episode ends just as Jwoww and Sammi engage in a nasty cat fight that no doubt sends square-tipped acrylic nails and weaves flying like shrapnel in a war zone. This cliffhanger first episode had us at "cherry vodka" and we cannot wait for what else the season has in store.
[All photos via MTV]