By now, you've all hopefully seen our link to the video of Charlie Sheen catching the vapors about 10 hours into his George W. Bush-worthy party binge. While we unreservedly join the rest of the western world in taking nothing but delight in his efforts to singlehandedly rid the world of its cocaine surplus, we also can't help but feel like Charlie is benefiting from a reduced competition pool.
After all, before cable news, Twitter, and gossip blogs, our nation's beautiful and/or talented people all partied like Charlie. Honestly, compared to what Chevy Chase and Belushi used to put down in the SNL days, Charlie Sheen is like a 14-year-old sneaking a joint in the school bathroom. Sure, Charlie has the biggest porn collection this side of Kim Jong-Il, and sure, he parties with hookers, but the fact that they leave his house alive pretty much proves things aren't as hardcore as they used to be.
Nevertheless, Charlie is the strung-out superstar we have, and we're making the best of it. We cheered the announcement that his rehab would stall production on Two And a Half Men, and then cried bitter tears when it was announced that Two And a Half would continue filming almost on schedule. We clung to every detail of his bender as if it were our own, with some part of us secretly (or not-so-secretly) wishing that we had the money, connections and free time to make one phone call and have three porn stars and a briefcase of cocaine show up at our front door. We've even commissioned our greatest natural resource, our rappers, to begin working his name into their sex-themed rap songs (credit to Taygo for pioneering the verb "Charlie Sheenin' it").
This is why we're especially delighted to announce that Charlie Sheen will be providing party photo commentary for this column. We visited Charlie in his "home rehab" and showed him pictures from this week's Check Yo Ponytail 2. Because Charlie's been off drugs for almost 10 hours at this point, he's hallucinating some pretty freaky shit, but he was still able to give us a few gems:
Charlie Says: "Why does only one dude in this picture know how to party? This is why I hate hipsters- there's nothing cool about not having fun. One time Kiefer Sutherland and I ripped Jack Daniels suppositories and went to Silver Lake to beat up some indie kids. Unfortunately, Kiefer crashed the Denali into the lake and we had to get the fuck out of there."
Charlie Says: "Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! Did you know that Sweden has already completed their porn versions of those Stieg Larsson books? It's called The Girl With the Mushroom Tattoo, and it is excellent. I watched all three in a row, and I got to say, I think the plot is actually a little bit better in the porn versions. I wasn't even touching myself, I was genuinely entertained.
Charlie Says: "This poor guy, I know exactly how he feels. One time I was shooting speedballs down in Guadalajara for three straight days, when out of nowhere I was attacked by this pack of Koala Bears. They were climbing all over me, stomping on the bugs under my skin. And all the Mexicans were pretending they couldn't see them. But you can see them. Can't you?"
At this point, Charlie started mumbling and fell asleep for 72 hours. But we're extremely hopeful that we can get him to critique some more pictures for us soon. Thanks, Charlie!