"Best 2K I Ever Spent!" How To Survive In The Wilds Of Coachella

by SUSANNAH LONG · April 22, 2010

The Cobra Snake went to a Desert Days concert, and he brought back many tips on roughing' it. Read on to avoid getting eaten by forest centaurs.-

Mother Nature is a hardass. She is. She will throw water in your face, and make you cold, and trick you into eating glossy berries that will end up killing you. Who invented asbestos, earthquakes, and leeches? That vengeful virago Mother Nature, that's who. Don't end up like that guy who got trapped while rock-climbing and had to amputate his own arm. Be prepared.

Bring food supplies with you. Don't worry about burying your trash to keep bears from coming after it, because bears are friendly.

Borrow a small child to use as bait for wild animals, so that you can witness the majestic creatures up close, in their natural habitat.

Adopt brightly colored plumage so that the aforementioned wild animals will think you are poisonous to eat.

Make sure you're wearing hiking clothes and sensible shoes.

Take the opportunity to make a move. Then you can hunt your crush through the wilderness with a bow and arrow, just like "The Most Dangerous Game."

You might also coordinate your outfits with the foliage.

Express your euphoria at being free of automobiles, smog, showering; express nonchalance at others' euphoria.

Don't let your glorious face get sunburned. Protect it with a hat. Or a beard and eyebrows.

Make friends with the lumberjacks in the area.

Surround yourself with allies who will help you thumb Mother Nature in the eyes, should things go awry.

If lost, walk toward the nearest source of light and fist-pumping.

When hunting, copy ol' grayshirt here, and sneak up behind your prey quietly.

Blunt-cut bangs will help you in any situation.

So will looking winsome and drinking beverages containing even trace amounts of vitamin C.

Realize that you cannot survive in the wild for long. Drown your indelible fear of The Great Unknown in beer.

[All photos from The Cobra Snake]