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Jessica Simpson

You wrote yourself off by getting married way too young. Who the hell gets married before the age of 30 these days? Only boring people do that now! Once you realized you're so much more than that and deserve so much better than him, you bailed. You go girl! As Paul Rudd's character says in TheĀ Perks of Being a Wallflower, "We accept the good d*ck we think we deserve," and honey, the guy you lost your virginity to is not the best you'll ever have. Not even close, thank God. After your split, you dated around and partied hard, but you ended up thriving in your professional life. We love that you're kind of a ditz, and we hate to say it, but it's why we did not predict that you would become a flourishing businesswoman. Shame on us! You ended up settling down again and got hitched at an appropriate age to a guy who is super hot and the beta to your alpha.

[Photo via @jessicasimpson]

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