Everything You Need To Know: The Guido
[Guido here, guido there, guido everywhere!]
[Image Source: NJGuido.com]
What is a Guido? This is a question that has occupied some of the finest minds of our generation. Although some have come remarkably close to capturing the zeitgeist of the Guido, none have completely wrapped their mind around the profundity of this question. Rather than attempt at what others have failed, we thought it better to lay down the agreed upon facts and our own individual findings and let you come to your own conclusions. After all, the Guido has a slightly different place in all of our hearts.
The Guido is primarily indigenous to StrongLong Island, however, researchers note that the New Jersey shore, Rhode Island and Massachusetts, also enjoy thriving Guido populations. Whether the Guido came about in a Lazarus-like autogenesis or started as a few blue-collared boys led astray, no one quite knows. What we do know is that with the advent of dance music, mainstream steroid use and the reality tv show “Growing up Gotti,” the population of this species has swelled and looks poised to continue healthy and sustained growth-rate into the future.
The StrongLong Island Guido resides almost entirely in Nassau County and the Five Towns. The preponderance of World Gym franchises, fake tanning salons and barbers willing to give a man a “blowout” haircut, make these locations a desirable habitat for the Guido. The importance of the Guido bouffant cannot be overlooked. Guidos don’t like sideburns, they frequently sport negative sideburns and a shaved neckline (”blowout”) in combination with a thin chin-strap of facial hair. Hair product use is common as is bird-shit -like coloring. The Guido's mindset usually maintains that the shorter your hair, the tougher you are, however, many Guidos prefer a spiked dew, and in that case they generally apply a gallon of spluge and spike the front, top, side and rear of their head, creating a sonic-the-hedgehog or spiked helmet look.
In the summertime these creatures often migrate further east, and can be found lurking in the dark recesses of the Hamptons, such as the hamlets of East Quogue, HarlemHampton Bays and any mattress they can find north of montauk highway. The Guido's mode of transportation is always leased and usually overcrowded. Due to their life prioritization structures of hard-partying first, it is difficult for them to obtain gainful employment and acquire meaningful assets. They are known for traveling light; men sporting only a fannypack for assorted stimulants, and women even less, a toothbrush and occasionally a tube of toothpaste.
The Guido's diet consists mainly of Red Bull, Stacker 2 and a variety of other Met-Rx Supplements (which makes them very gassy). Their leisure time includes flexing, posing, going to the gym to work on their barstool bodies (i.e. blasting their bis and tris) and doing “loser laps” in their cars down main streets and cat-calling at girls.
Appearance is a religion for the Guido. Male forms often wax eyebrows, fake tan, and are often looking for any excuse to take off their shirts. The men are known to regularly try on two or three different outfits before going out, and the women about one or two. Fake boobs, butt implants, synthetic bodies and tattoos are expected. Bandanas, dew-rags, earrings, gum-chewing and sky-diving glasses during the night or day, are almost more common on men than women.
Having said all this, the best way to try defining the Guido is by understanding how the Guido defines himself…and that is how he parties. Some of their favorite watering holes in the summer include Neptunes in East Quogue, Canoe Place Inn, Foggey Goggle and of course Boardy Barn Sundays in Hampton Bays. At these mating grounds, you will see the Guido and the Guidette engaging in dance-offs, grunting, flexing and cackling discordantly. Much of what they learn in aerobics class and from pole-dancing, they bring to their recreational dancing. It is very athletic, and can best be described as an ecstasy-driven Dionysian release.
Be on the lookout for these creatures this summer. Although their temperament outside dancing can be moderate, they are prone to bouts of roid-rage and can be territorial, especially should the male Guidos come into contact with males of different species, namely the WASP, the Euro, and the Hipster. So don’t say we didn’t warn you, and enjoy!
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hils2
May 29, 2007
7:56am
Hands down, funniest post you have written
joseph
May 29, 2007
8:00am
this is spot on you forgot to mention their mostly Italian descent. Saw a bunch of these guys outside penn station this morning
moemoe
May 29, 2007
9:00am
“pictures speak a thousand words” Not sure where you found that first photo but it is genius. This is really what they look like! Does anyone else ever catch a guido making fun of himself?! The girls are all skanks
tules
May 29, 2007
10:15am
class
tulio
May 29, 2007
10:36am
“Whether the Guido came about in a Lazarus-like autogenesis or started as a few blue-collared boys led astray, no one quite knows” ha. I’m guessing the latter. They were the blue collared boys that just couldn’t quite make it ivy league
remi
May 29, 2007
11:03am
I want to know the percentage that are homosexuals
Mr. Primate
May 29, 2007
11:36am
I love the fake palm tree in the back! hahaah…what do they think it is Palm Beach or something?
81st and Madison
May 30, 2007
11:54pm
guest of a guest, you are funny. super funny. my office really got a kick out of this today….
Lola
June 4, 2007
6:24pm
I am obsessed with the SF shuffle/gremlin dance/guido giddy-up. I am frozen in my tracks and must stare at the train wreck in progress. Great post!
Argenis
June 4, 2007
6:24pm
LMAO0O0O0OO0O hands down the best description of these creatures hahaha
Anonymous
October 31, 2007
6:21pm
LOL, my mom is a Guido, i mean her last name is, she is nothing like that
xD
November 26, 2007
6:21pm
OMG GUIDO HHAHAHHAHA its so true its funny loll
sdgasdgasdg
December 6, 2007
6:20pm
lmaoooo, creatures… lmaooo dont make fun of these niggas, their albanian, they’ll fuck u up… trust me kuz
Anonymous
December 14, 2007
6:19pm
do guido’s have to be named guido?
59th and lex
January 28, 2008
8:15pm
you forgot about queens (ozone park) and brooklyn (bensonhurst and bay ridge). and they all drive $50k cars (or want to) yet are still living with their parents when they are pushing 30.
keri
February 17, 2008
7:06pm
ohh shuttt upp your all just jealous they get more girls then you'll ever get PUHLEASE stop hatinnn
Guidos are funny
March 6, 2008
8:47pm
Keri = townie trash slut or purebred gina/guidette? What's it like to fuck guys that are secretly thinking about their male friends biceps when they bone you? There's a reason they get their pictures taken together with their faggot lips pursed like an 80s porn star's.
December 9, 2008
10:35am
There has been a small outpost of guidos in New City, NY (Rockland County) at least since the mid 90's. Blasting freestyle music while crusing Main St. for 14 year old girls was a popular activity of theirs. I think their demise came at the end of the decade with the rise of extacy and ketamine use along with roids and viagra.
scallywag
December 9, 2008
1:36pm
i've often held sympathy for guidos, they've got a tough life to forge, all those cars they've got to wreck, all the buckets of hair gel they've got to buy, but then again i kind of feel sympathy for all those euros, wasps and hipsters, all those bars, banks, trucker hats they've got to wreck.....
cd
January 30, 2009
5:19am
stop hating. everyones different. at least they take care of themselves
russkiy
November 26, 2009
6:53am
seriously every1 hates on guidos cuz no1 understands them. one of my best friends is a guido and a lot of guidos i kno r really nice ppl. personally, im not a guido (although i do wear a blowout haircut sometimes) but i totaly understand where theyre coming from. thing is, partying (in their view as well as in mine) is probably one of the(if not THE) best things in life. honestly, i can think of very few things in life that make me feel better than a good party or time at a club wen im drunk out of my mind and get 2 dance 2 some bangin house music and get (hopefully) get laid afterwards. guido is simply a style that is based around the wonderful miracle of partying
paintergirlliz
November 26, 2009
10:05am
I've never met a single guido who didn't lose it to a prostitute, rent a prostitute for prom, or take a prostitute to a family wedding or funeral. And I live in a predominantly guido town, so I would know. Basically, I wouldn't touch one with a ten foot pole. Ew.
Carolina
November 26, 2009
5:04pm
oh my god i do hope i never get to know a guido.
Catherine
November 28, 2009
5:39am
Would you write this type of article if these people were Jewish or Black?? I don't think so. Anti-Italian racism is alive and well and living in NYC. You are a bunch of disgusting racists.
Dez
November 28, 2009
9:48pm
Ha! Ethnicity is not the issue, it's that ridiculous style! Anyone who combs half a pound of lard thru their hair *deserves* to be mocked. Kinda reminds me of the "Sha Na Na" 'greaser' look that went out of style in the late 1960s. Do girls actually like this look on guys???
VinnyfromNJ
December 14, 2009
4:13am
Funny website. I hate guidos. The AK is the only solution to these NJ/NY pieces of excrement.
January 23, 2010
5:51am
@Catherine: GTFO. I've lived in Europe with REAL Italians. Not the EYE-talians here in the states. The friends I had back in Italy were REAL not superficial & fake. Screw the Jersey Shore show & all that support that lifestyle. Can't wait for the train wreck to happen.
me
June 2, 2010
10:24am
Catherine seems to have brain and has got her feet on the ground! Well, the problem starts when you can't make a difference between reality and bad quality fantasy.....and you sound to be OUT OF REALITY! I am from this world, where are you from?
June 4, 2010
5:41am
these are not Italian boys. Real italians do not look like this. I agree with the above poster these are albanians and if guido has now been extended to all of europe then u must all be very narrow minded...italians dont have blue eyes like these faggots here! really think some douchebag haters waNna smear the "Hot Italian Guy image" Why? well because while at the club we robbed your girl right in front of ya. Yep, you know its true! and you couldnt do shit about it because u were small. Steroids? nope, just roman warriors -in our blood to be big motherfuckers. BTW I nailed your GF last night Also, quit cryin about jersey shore too. Betcha wish u could be on TV but u aint so stop hatin.
deeman
November 22, 2010
5:24pm
Funny stuff! Here in Toronto, we have a large population of Italians that are pretty much the same. Except here we call them Ginos and Ginas. Everything they wear needs to be a designer label, drive Escalades/Benzes, live at home till 40, and lack of education or career aspriations. They don't know much else about other cultures since they are very Italian-centric. Basically, the gino lives to party, and mooch of their parents. The only real difference here is that the ones in Canada understand Italian since they're parents have only been here since the 50/60's, otherwise you got it spot on.
DjToney
January 13, 2011
4:52pm
You guys are pssysss! I care less about what other dudes think of me! I have to many people who like me for who I am, and yessss I am a guido! Ok I dont do roids first of all. I tan in the sun, & I love my hair! No scrubby face.. Cmon man no lady wants to kiss an uncut face. I know one thing thooo.. That duck face is whack lol.. Looks gayy