This Halloween, I found myself ensconced in my apartment and restraining myself from hitting up bars because I cut out alcohol. While I was tucked away, attempting to not be annoyed by the screaming condom accidents parading the streets in search of diabetes, I decided to start my sober Halloween tradition (okay, it’s not going to be a tradition because I fully intend on getting blackout drunk next year) (new year, same me, duh): Conducting a seance to communicate with the bitches who are dead to me!
Also known as cyberstalking to make sure those who have wronged me are still pathetic and hopefully got chubbier.
And whose Instagram did I go to first? My ex boyfriend, who aged terribly. I didn't bother checking in on chicks who wronged me because I'm well aware that they still check in on me and read my articles (girls always find out everything, didn't you know that?), so then I head straight for Gisele Booonchen. I obviously hate her because she’s married to my kegel fitspiration, Tom fucking Brady. And what do I find?
This couple has chosen the most basic bitch Halloween costume ever. No, not a slutty cat, slutty *insert some sort of public safety career here*, or a slutty Disney princess (although I wouldn’t mind seeing my man dressed in a skimpy outfit).
Behold, Gisele Bunchyadone and Tom Brady dressed as avocado toast.
Obviously, you can tell that GOAT has some tense body language with the woman who puts the "boyfriend stealing succubus" in Gisele Buboyfriendstealingsuccubusdun. He doesn’t eat sugar, he doesn’t eat gluten or dairy, he doesn’t even eat nightshades. So he definitely doesn’t eat bread. This is so he can still be the best quarterback until he’s 80. So for Jizzface Sasuf983u489hf(H*(@*( to be dressed as something he is so averse to means that their marriage is doomed.
But more importantly, let’s objectify the shit out of TOM FUCKING BRADY BEING DRESSED AS AN AVOCADO.
OKAY, I’M JUST GOING TO TYPE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF THE ARTICLE BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A PAIN IN THE ASS TO GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN NORMAL WRITING AND CAPS LOCK. I HAAAAAAAATE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ON ADULT MEN, EXCEPT TOM BRADY MANAGES TO PULL IT OFF. SERIOUSLY, HIM DRESSED AS AN AVOCADO IS MY KIND OF EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT AND NOT JUST BECAUSE AVOCADOS ARE PACKED WITH OMEGA 3 FATTY ACIDS AND HEART HEALTHY MONOSATURATED FATTY ACIDS, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO HIM WITH MY MOUTH. I’M NOT GOING TO EVEN TO ATTEMPT TO MAKE THIS ARTICLE FUNNY BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY RESTRAINING MYSELF FROM LICKING MY COMPUTER IN A STARBUCKS.
Tom Brady is sexier than any guy blasting his nips and showcasing his six pack in a douchey Halloween costume. He's not even showing any skin, except for his face because besides his right arm, that’s really his moneymaker. That’s a face chiseled by the hands of God. That’s a face of an Uggs spokesMAN because he is the only person over 12 and the only man ever to pull off Uggs. That’s a face anyone with two eyes and a libido would like to sit on.
But anyway, how was your Halloween? I ate Taco Bell and played Song Pop 2 against Corinne Olympios. No seriously, I added her on Song Pop because she posted her username asking people to challenge her and we are now tied 8-8. We're besties now, didn't you know?
So overall not a bad start to holiday season for me.