A Lesson For The 4th We Can Learn From Phish

by MADELEINE STARKEY · July 2, 2010

Last weekend, Phish heads headed out to Columbia, MD for two nights of Phish at the Merriweather Post Pavilion.  Everything was groovy and awesome and free and fab until...under cover cops started jamming and dancing in the crowd waiting for hippies to do drugs in a mildly conspicuous manner.

Then the cops dressed as Phish heads screamed SURPRISE (not really, but you know what I mean) and arrested nearly 20 Phish phanatics over two days.  Among things confiscated during these arrests were drugs and $10,000 in cash.

As we noted before, national holidays are times when you can depend on your fellow Americans to get bucked up.  While Phish phollowers may choose drugs over booze, I will not judge.  Different strokes.

What I will do, however, is list a few tips for not getting arrested, for any offense, this holiday weekend.  I preface this tip list by saying I am not condoning illegal behavior.  I am simply acknowledging that people do stupid shit and there are ways to avoid being caught doing said shit.  Metaphorically speaking, I am providing clean needles to heroin users.

1. Don't drink, do coke, smoke weed, take pills, roll, trip, etc. and drive.  That's what Sober Ride is for.

2. When you drink, do coke, smoke weed, take pills, roll, trip, etc. do so in a private place.  In other words, don't try and smoke weed on the mall just because you think it will make fireworks look cooler.  Get high before hand, idiot.

3.  Do not bring all your drug supplies and paraphernalia around with you.  You're just asking for trouble.

4.  Have a place in town where you can go if you want to do drugs.  Leave your stash there.

5.  If you see a stranger awkwardly trying to ingratiate himself with your group, who then asks if you have any "grass" or "dope," walk away immediately.  This person is probably a cop.  Who the hell says dope other than your mom and police?

6.  If a stranger approaches you and asks you if you want any "grass" or "dope," respond "No.  I took D.A.R.E.  I would never do drugs, and you shouldn't either."  Why should you respond this way?  See tip #5.

7.  Know where your drugs come from.  If you get bad drugs laced with unknown ingredients, you could bug out and be so obviously bucked up in public that police could spot you, accost you, and arrest you.

8.  Use condoms.  You won't be arrested if you don't, but trust me on this.

Party safe, D.C.!

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The jimmy hat has a hat!

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You see what he did there?  Arranged his buds to look like a marijuana leaf.  Pot heads can be so creative.