[Update: We found Snookie's YouTube channel!]
Tonight the world was introduced to eight of the most compelling characters ever to grace the screen. More akin to a surreal version of “The Real Word” than MTV’s other location related dramas “The Hills “ and “The City” the two mind-boggling hours that made up the premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” took us deep inside of a foreign culture in a manner expected of a National Geographic documentary. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the realm of the Guido, and it is unlike anything you have ever seen before. While a written recap will never be able to come close to what was displayed on air, we’ll do our best to bring you up to date, part to educate, and part to prove to ourselves that it actually happened. So without further ado, let us introduce you to the stars of what is now officially the most important hour of our lives. And no, we have not made up or embellished a single one of these quotes.
DJ Pauly D- referring to himself as “your girl’s favorite DJ” Pauly hails from an unlikely bastion of Guidodom, Northern Rhode Island. He wants the “Guidettes to cream their pants when they hear his music” and by “his music” he means of course, music written, performed, and recorded by other people. He tells us that the way of the Guido is a tradition consisting of “Family, friends, tanning, and gel” Pauly certainly has the last two in spades, keeping a tanning bed in his house and literally packing an entire suitcase of hair gel for his month at the shore. Pauly also rocks a gigantic Cadillac tattoo- not the logo crest mind you, just the word “Cadillac” in script down his chest, and a pierced penis. Yes, you read that correctly.
Ronnie- Hailing from the Bronx, Ronnie is your classic troglodyte Guido with a penchant for pumping iron and an aversion to shirts. He wins the award for the most unintentionally self aware analogy with the quote “just take your shirt off and (the girls) come to you, like a fly comes to shit.” Sporting a fauxhawk over an unfortunate hairline, his aim is to “pound out” as many girls as he can. For Ronnie the Jersey Shore can be summed up with the three B’s “beers, bitches, and da beach”
Vinny- Vinny is a good momma’s boy from Staten Island who sports an immaculately groomed pair of eyebrows. It’s Vinny’s first summer on the shore as a 21 year old, and he’s out to show them that he can “dance and fist pump with the best of them” Unfortunately for those near his championship fist pumping, he also appears to sweat profusely (see left). We don’t really get to know a lot about Vinny in this first episode, his major story arc being that he got pink eye from sticking his face in a large woman’s ass at a nightclub. And no, I’m not kidding.
Mike- Mike, the only New Jersey native of the Guidos, refers to himself as “The Situation” a nickname which stems from the fact that, I shit you not, “my abs are so ripped up, its, we call it the situation.” He often does this in the third person, as in “The Situation sits at the head of the table” He clearly has issues with his self-esteem, stating “Everybody loves me. Babies, dogs, you know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal” The strangest thing is, he’s right. We’re oddly enamored.
Nicole- Nicole, who goes by “Snookie” is the self-proclaimed “fuckin’ Princess of fuckin’ Poughkeepsie” though her “Ultimate dream is to move to Jersey and find a nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy.” At four feet tall with a round orange face and startled eyes, she finally answers the burning question: What would happen if an Oompa-Loompa had sex with a raccoon?” While it appears our little Snookie is a full blown alcoholic, she certainly wasn’t kidding when she tells us “you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen me at the Jersey fucking Shore” As an added enticement- as if we weren’t already committed to watching the rest of the season unfold- at some point a Guido will apparently punch her right the fucking face.
Sammi- Sammi, also from New Jersey, tells us her nickname is “Sammi Sweetheart” because she’s “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” She’s not looking for Mr. Right but is “looking to break a lot of hearts and get with a lot of good, hot, sexy Guidos.” Her “Number one mission is to go out and find the hottest Guido and take him home.” Such ambition, her parents must be thrilled.
Jenni- Jenni, who is representing Long Island strong, calls herself “JWoWW” as in “What’s your name?” “My name is JWoww.” The first thing we hear out of JWoww’s mouth is “If you don’t know me, you'd probably hate me, because you wish you were me.” Well, you’re half right, we do hate you. Replete with horrible fake breasts and the complexion of the moon, JWoww reminds us of the best looking girl at the truckstop, with a look that screams “I’d go into porn if it weren’t for all these STDs”
Angelina- Angelina says people can call her Jolie, because, you know, she’s got the same first name as Angelina Jolie. Angelina proudly claims that she is “The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby.” Go ahead and read that sentence again, and then try and stop your brain from bleeding. Angelina’s a classy broad, she shows up with all of her belongings in a black trash bag. She has a boyfriend that doesn’t seem to care about her, which is understandable, as she appears to suck as a human being.
Trying to concisely recap this show is a task, because every single moment is so magical. But alas, we will do our finest. The octet arrive in their Shore house, which features an Italian flag painted on the garage door and a Guido décor motif that we hope to God is a joke put together by the MTV production department. Seriously, where does one even find a gold pleather alligator skin futon? Also, there’s a phone that looks like a duck, and quacks when it rings. The duckphone becomes a minor character in itself, responsible for Snookie’s phonecall to her father where he responds “Who the fuck is this?” as well as when Angelina calls her boyfriend back five times in a row after he tells her he can’t talk because he’s in a meeting. Now we don’t know what it is exactly that her boyfriend does, but we’re going to go ahead and assume it doesn’t really involve a whole lot of “meetings.”
Snookie proceeds to get blindingly drunk, pass out, and then make an aggressive whore of herself in the hot tub (of course there’s a hot tub) in her underwear and grind on every single guy before falling down the stairs and passing out again. A vomiting Snookie is then late for the gangs first day of work at their collective job, assisting a t-shirt/body piercing/cigarette emporium called “The Shore Store” The Shore Store- which is run by Danny, who is also their landlord and seemingly the only normal human being on the show- sells such fine couture as shirts that read “I shaved my balls for this?” “I’m no gynecologist but I’ll take a look” and “New Jersey: We don’t pump our gas, we pump our fists.” Angelina doesn’t prove to be much of a saleswoman, adding “I feel like this job is beneath me. I’m a bartender, I do, like, you know, great things.”
Feeling isolated from the group for being the only open train-wreck thus far, Snookie decides she wants to leave. But after a heart to heart with Sammi Sweetheart ( “I was so like, eww, about you the first night, but that’s just, like, me, like I just get like that, like I don’t like girls that have like, problems like that.”) Snookie agrees to stay because after all, she’s an “amazing ass, gorgeous, tan, guidette.” The group heads to a Jersey Shore nightclub after which Snookie brings home a guy that ends up puking, and Paulie shows JWoww his pierced penis.
Save for Vinnie’s bout of club-ass gained pink eye, the rest of the show is basically focused on “hookin’ up.” The boys make several attempts at luring girls back to their “sick roof” which all end up in group makeout sessions until Angelina inevitably comes up and acts like a total c*nt because “I am a cockblock, mmhmm, yeah. I’m not gonna lie. I mean I have to put people in their place, it’s needed. There nothing wrong with what I’m doing, I don’t, I mean, if a girls a slut, I mean, she should be abused.” The real drama is within the housemates however. Paulie and JWoww were getting closer at the club so JWoww had to leave so that she wouldn’t cheat on her boyfriend, and also felt like “eating ham and drinking water”(left).
Meanwhile, Sammi Sweetheart causes trouble by hooking up with Ronnie even though she’d been flirting with Mike. The Situation “was very pissed, and was about to Jerry Springer her ass.” Also, Paulie punches a guy in the face.
So what will become of our newfound friends? The teaser at the end of the show leaves us hungry for more with a quick montage of lesbian make outs, bar brawls, several visits from the police and some rigorous fist pumping. Will JWoww pursue DJ Paulie’s pierced penis? Will Sammi Sweetheart leave Ronnie and succumb to The Situation? Can Vinnie still pluck his eyebrows with a case of ass-eye? Will Angelina stop being such a bitch? Why does that guy punch Snooki in the face? Stay tuned to find out, and rest assured we will keep you abreast of all things Jersey Shore....
And, for fun, here are some more favorite quotes from last night:
“I don’t think they are going to be ready for this situation. Everyone’s gonna be like “oh shoot, that’s the situation right there” -Mike, "The Situation"
“Wear a thong bikini if you are going to wear anything at all That’s a little bit more classy you know.”
“Girls are supposed to cook and the guys are supposed to eat but Mikey did his thing we had like peppas”
“Don’t make a joke outta grace.”
"All the girls are like fish and so we throw out a line and see if we can sink it.”
“The boys are in the hottub with these three hoebags.” -Angela "They were definitely cool chicks. You know some of the girls in the house didn’t even want to get in on Jacuzzi night.” -Vinny
“When I think of the jersey shore, I think of a playground.”
“I love the jersey shore. I love being a guidette but I’m not feeling it right now. I’m the princess of Poughkeepsie but here I’m nobody." -Snookie
"New Jersey nightlife is always crazy. People grinding on each other, people dogging each other. It’s a good time."
"My idea man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juicehead guido. If I found that guy, I’d snatch him like that. I wanna bring home guys, it’s hard. Like it shouldn’t be hard but it is hard because it’s like a chore you know." –Snookie.
“Me and my friend robbie wanted to watch the sunset. No the sunrise." -Snookie
"You know what time it is? It’s time to get my rhino juice in my SYSSSTem The Rhino juice get the night going. I mean when ever that comes up it’s always a filthy night. It really is. That’s the root of all evil." -Ronnie
"I wait til the last minute to go shave. I wait til the last minute to put the shirt on cause it feels fresh. These are rules to live by. Shave last minute haircut the day of maybe some tanning and the gym. You gotta get the guido handbook."
"I hear the music. I start fist pumpin I start pulling girls up on stage and it’s like now…vinny came out to play.”
"A guidette is somebody who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on makeup, has tan skin, wears the highest heels, pretty much they know how to own it and rock it." -Sammi
"Lose 5 /ten pounds and we can talk." -Mike to Angela "Yo I will cut your hair while you are sleeping ok?" -Angela to Mike