Note: For those looking for the review of week four of “Jersey Shore” please realize that it was aired on New Years Eve, whilst your intrepid author was in a white linen dinner jacket halfway into a bottle of dark rum on a tropical island somewhere, so no, there was no week four review. And now, without further ado-Jersey Shore Week 5 review:
This episode of Jersey Show opens to – wait, is that, oh my god- it’s Vinny! Vinny, who has done practically nothing up until this point, who prompted “Studying for that final was as pointless as Vinny is to Jersey Shore” to receive 2700 thumbs ups on textsfromlastnight.com, is suddenly front and center. Why? It turns out the “cougar” that Vinny hooked up with the night before was the date of Danny, the geeky fellow who is owner of both the Shore Store and their stately manse. (Honestly Vin, you’re getting a little loose with the cougar phrase here. A cougar is supposed to be an attractive older woman who preys on young men. This chick looked like more of an actual cougar, particularly in the whole “teeth that must be able to tear through flesh in order to survive” aspect.) “You did the robbery, bro? On our boss slash landlord, bro?” asks an incredulous Ronnie, before going into that little giggle that he does after every single time he says something that he himself finds funny.
Vinny then weighs in on the daily habits of the other guys, which The Situation describes as “GTL, baby. Gym, Tan, Laundry” which is apparently an essential ritual, as “You know I like to look very fresh and mint when I go out, so, you know, everything goes into it, you know.” Though as Vinnie, the least Jersey Shore of all the Jersey Shore crew puts it “it’s how they make the guidos.”
Vinnie has also been putting some quality time on the duckphone in with The Situations little sister, Melissa, who they hope to lure to the shore. Young Vinny is particularly excited to meet her, and the four boys stand around the kitchen, each in their own bedazzled graphic tee, awaiting her arrival. “First impression, it wasn’t bad,” recalls Vin, “black curly hair, little body. But when I saw her up close, she kinda looked a little too much like Mike for me, you know what I mean? Looked like Mike with a wig on her.” Or as Pauly points out, right in front of her “She’s Mike without a six-pack”
They head to the club and straight to the dancefloor, which The Situation refers to, in dead seriousness, as “The Battlefield.” Vinnie drinks enough to stop caring that Melissa looks like a mini-skirted Situation, we get to see Snooki do her thang a little more, but everyone seems to notice that Ronnie and Sammi are, as usual, off in their own world, nowhere to be found. Turns out they’re heading home because Sammi got too drunk, which leads to one of the greatest arguments ever to be televised. (The argument, as is common on the show, is subtitled, which we can’t help but find hysterical as this show is in English) Sammi calls Ronnie a “Stumpy Bastard” to which the ever witty Ronnie replies “You’re a stumpy bastard too” which is, apparently, completely unacceptable. “Did you really just call me a stumpy bastard?! Then don’t fuckin’ talk to me” yells Sammi, shocked to hear a phrase she herself had coined not thirty seconds earlier. Ron-Ron however doesn’t stop there, delivering the psychologically devastating “Listen, with your Flinstone big toe, with your doorstop big toe, honestly.” At which point Sammi Sweetheart “Felt so disrespected. I was beyond pissed. I was like, I’m done, don’t ever fucking look at me in the fucking face ever again.”
Meanwhile the rest of the crew are en route to another club along with a guy who Snooki, still “Snookin’ for love” (perhaps our new favorite phrase) has picked up. Lil Schnookers is hoping that he will head back to Chez Guido to make out, but no such luck. “I just tested him a little, I was like, listen, if you wanna like, go, like, meet girls or whatever, you can go. He freakin’ jumped out of the car like it was on fucking fire." Back at the homestead Sammi’s still pissed about the toe comment, spouting off the Snooki “I fuckin hate when people talk about me like that, I fuckin can’t help the way I fuckin look like. He fuckin said your feet’s like fuckin Fred Flinstone. Fuck you, you fuckin bastard. That’s like the worse thing you can possibly do.” She then mentions how she would never make fun of Ronnie, the man she’s called a stumpy bastard. (All of this really begs the question, just how freakish is this girl’s toe?) Ronnie’s had enough of it and heads back to the clubs, much to the excitement of the rest of the guys. “Ronnies like in, in, pure creep mode,” notes Pauly, “I’m like hell yeah, so now we can go have some fuckin’ fun.” But Ron-Ron's heart just isn’t into it, and he returns to Sammi, taking her in his ample arms and cooing “I will suck your big toe right now, I don’t give a shit.” And they say chivalry is dead.
Snooki’s man who leapt out of the car comes back to woo her, but she’s having none of it. “Why don’t you fucking marry (my roommates)” she tells him, before adding, and I quote “Lick my ass.” The Situation, as per usual has invited a girl back to the house, but surprise, surprise, she’s got some fat friends with her. Only this time no one is willing to jump the grenade, and with the tension already in the house, it straight up explodes. Snooki volunteers to kick the “hippos” out of the house, but they do not go quietly. After one calls Snooki a “Nasty Ass Bitch” a full on girl fight ensues. Drinks are thrown, hair is pulled, and once again SNOOKI IS PUNCHED IN THE FACE. (“Somebody gotta teach her how to duck" muses Pauly) The cops come and break up it up, but Sammi gets in the last word, telling the instigator “You don’t even look Italian!!”
Vinny’s family comes to visit the next morning, and they’re rolling like twenty deep. One has to imagine the idea “Let’s go be on TV” being proposed. Like any good Staten Island Sicilian, Vinny’s mom comes packing a feast “Like four trays of frickin’ ziti” and some fresh wife-beaters, and spends her time there tidying up the house. Later at the bar, the gang is harassed by yet another heckler. Snooki calls out Ronni and Sammie on not being a part of the group, which is clearly effective, as it leads to Ronnie and Sammi taking off on their own. Unfortunately, they once again run into the heckler and his girlfriend, and despite the fact that she claims she’s “just going to shut my mouth and go to bed tonight” Sammi does no such thing, and, despite Ronnie’s prodding to stop, completely instigates beef with this guy and his girlfriend.
Sammi storms off because Ronnie has pushed her away from the heckler, which leads to a fight in which Ron-Ron beats the everloving shit out of the anonymous heckler, only to have Sammi Sweetheart and her mutant toe continue to give him shit about it. “Apparently he’s mad because I caused this, which is bullshit” pouts Sammi, who quite clearly caused this. “You just fucking traumatize me” she whines “do you understand that? Just fucking traumatize me!” But in the end, love prevails. “I have the best girl in Seaside” states Ron-Ron, proudly. “I don’t wanna mess this up”