Tucker Max, Meet Your New Research Assistant

by Courtney McGowan · January 19, 2012

Literary virtuoso and total dreamboat Tucker Max, author of the staggering works of genius I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Assholes Finish First, is looking for a research assistant for a "major book project," which Max promises to be unlike anything he has ever written-mildly humorous. Upon hearing this news, I looked in the mirror and told myself, "This is it. This is your moment." After minutes upon minutes of working through the laborious steps of Master Max's application, what resulted was nothing short of "you're hired." Here is how my e-mail went, more or less.

1. Before 5pm EST on January 24th, send an email to this email address: tuckermaxassistant@gmail.com

Okay. I mean, 5pm is a bit early for me as I usually wake up around 7.

Also, is this going to be my future email address? I'm emailing myself?  Just a side-note, not a big fan of the new gmail.  If you could give me the password, I could just start tomorrow, as I've decided I'll be working remotely.  Thx.

2. The subject line must read "Tucker Max Research Assistant Gig"

3. In the email, put four things: 1. your full name, 2. how old you are, 3. where you live, and 4. what the third largest magazine in the US is, by circulation

1. John Cougar Mellencamp.

2. Old enough to know better, but still too young to care! ;) :P :O

3. Houstatlantavegas

4. Highlights.

4. Attach a picture of Jason Williams to the email (not the basketball player). It must be either a gif or a jpg, and cannot be larger than 1 megabyte (1MB).

Got it.

In between trips for All State Choir and All State Jazz Choir, Jason Williams is preparing for baseball season as captain of the varsity baseball team at Smoky Hill High School.

This on the heels of being a captain on the varsity tennis team in the fall, a member of the National Honor Society, Link Crew, a student of the International Baccalaureate program and an IB mentor.

Also, this picture is a .BMP, as I exclusively work on Microsoft Paint.

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- 5. Do ONLY those tasks. Nothing else should be in the email.

I hear what you're saying and get where you're coming from but I'm kind of in a tight situation here...

"Cassie and her friend were at home with there older sister. Their older sister was planing on going out, and told them to not answer the door for anyone and to keep everything locked. Cassie and her friend went online looking at scary chain letters and laughing at how they weren't ever true. The didn’t believe in any of the chains and went to bed. Unfortunately, they forgot to lock the doors. Cassie’s friend had been murdered in the middle of the night. Quickly and frightened, Cassie went and reposted every chain letter they had read. After waking up in the morning she saw something that looked like a face that was very red staring back at her in the mirror. She ran down stairs and looked in a different mirror. Still seeing the same face she touched hers. She then looked at her hand and it was covered in something red and watery. Her skin was burned and bloody. News around her town had told about the murder of Cassie’s friend. Cassie’s sister arrived home later that night, not yet seeing the news. Cassie told her sister what had happened and her sister was in denial. Her sister reported that Cassie had gone insane and put her into a Mental Hospital. Years past, and Cassie had died of a rare disease. Cassie came back for revenge towards her sister and the murderer. The murderer was never found. Nearly hours after Cassie’s revenge her sister was found dead. The man who found Cassie’s sister bloody with stab wounds on the floor spotted a faint, red, shadow. This was Cassie’s shadow. The man heard a whisper and he could make out small words saying “You didn’t see anything.” If you don’t forward this chain to at least 6 people in the next 10 minutes, Cassie will haunt you too. This is not fake."

Thanks, Tucker Max, and I'm looking forward to working together.

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