Dear GofG: Which Hamptons Is Right For Me?

by Stanely Stuyvesant · August 3, 2010

    If you find yourself sticking hypodermic needles into your ass in the mornings to keep your bicep pump on, then perhaps Hampton Bays is right for you.  If you wear Tom's shoes and like the faux surfer vibe, then why not try Montauk?

    Whether you are looking for a modest house share, or got that golden parachute, or luckily failed upward in your career and now ready to stake out your part of the American dream we can help you find the right cliched spot for you.

    Hampton Bays = Strong Island / Jersey Shore

    Neptune Beach Club off Dune Road in Hampton Bays

    Hampton Bays really makes itself a target for juice heads and tanned oompah loompahs with places like Neptune Beach Club.  This season got off to a great start memorial day weekend with 21 drug-related arrests and beach defecation.

    In addition, a 22-year-old Coram man was observed defecating on the dunes of Tiana Beach and cited for public urination, a violation, police said. [27 East]

    If this scene is a bit too aggressive for your, hop on over to the Boardy Barn, open from 12pm-8pm on Sundays from July through August.  You might not find Snooki, but you will find throngs of people drenched in beer sliding around to Journey.

    The Boardy Barn off of Old Montauk Highway in Hampton Bays

    Westhampton = Family

    Are you a family person who has an obsessive desire to purchase as many tchotchkes as you can find?  Do you like bakeries, ice-cream and candy shops?  Or perhaps you like a nice live performance? Westhampton Beach might just be the place for you.  Many turn their nose to this family town calling it "WorstHampton" but truth be told it's at least a 1/2 hour closer to the city than South, which means you'll be at the beach while they are still stuck on route 27 going bumper-to-bumper with the Jitney and Luxury Liner.

    Westhampon Performing Arts Center

    Bridgehampton = Polo Set

    If you're into horses or Nacho Figueras, this is the hamlet for you.  While Saturday Polo has become a bit of a dayclub, and its more about the scene than the game, there are low-key practice matches during the week.

    Nacho Figueras, the Man, the Myth, the Polo Player at Bridgehampton Polo Update: While Nacho is a fixture of BHP, this photo (as the commentor use_common_sense pointed out) was in fact taken at Governor's Island.

    Easthampton = Posh Set

    Easthampton carries perhaps the most cache these days with places like Georgica Pond, the Maidstone Club and of course the Ross School.  If you want to be posh, but not live in a surf shack, this is your stop.

    The Maidstone Club In East Hampton

    Southampton = Former Posh Set

    What can we say, Southampton was the "it" place 10 years ago, but it has suffered from over-saturation, P. Diddy, and a NYC-esque club scene.  In reality its just too easy to get too and too close to the city.  Their superior shopping, however, is certainly a feather in the cap.

    While we are fans of Mr. Pink Elephant, his club has had better days

    Montauk = Faux Surfer / Hipster Bohemian Set

    What isn't there to say about Montauk?  It's got a monster, the Surf Lodge, topless hipsters and endless amounts of "tourist surfers".  So if you've got a bohemian costume in your closet and want to be all "real" then the tip of Long Island is for you.  Just make sure not to irk the locals, they aren't too happy about the influx of noobs starting in 2008.

    The Surf Lodge in Montauk