"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Anatomy Of A Beard

by Alex Gilman · April 11, 2011

A good beard is several things at once: a fashion statement, an all-weather protective layer, and a bright, shining beacon to single party-going ladies everywhere. But just as any true accessory is customized to the style and needs of the owner, so too does a beard come in many forms and phases, depending on performance and functionality. Let's journey through our pictures of the White Arrows/Birthday Bash at Harvard & Stone and see if we can spot some of this majestic facial armor in action.

Here we go...

The Phase One

For those just starting out, or genetically incapable of growing something more robust, the Phase One requires very little in the way of preparation. In fact, the only thing you have to do is throw your razor in the trash can, and wait for the fuzz to come in. Nevertheless, the benefits are instantaneous. Not only will a good Phase One make the wearer seem more masculine and confident, but combine it with a red plaid shirt and you have an instant lumberjack costume!

The Two-Headed Monster

Let's ignore the decently awesome mustache in the foreground for the moment to focus on what's going on in the back. This appears to be a two-headed, multi-gendered monster, perhaps created in the Mad Science lab that is widely known to exist in the basement of Harvard & Stone. While being a two-headed perversion of nature has its distinct advantages when it comes to all-you-can-eat food challenges and two-for-one sunglasses sales, it can also be a deal breaker in certain dating situations. So, I guess it breaks even?

The Matt Damon

Look everyone, it's Matt Damon! Or at least, someone who considered Damon's earnest dramata-comic performance in The Informant! to be a real turning point in his life. Really, this outfit is a desperate cry for help to Matthew Weiner. Matt, if you don't bring "Mad Men" back soon, people are going to keep trying to find other ways to recreate the period. And that's going to lead to gender inequality, racial tension, and a lot of really shitty casseroles for dinner. Do the right thing here, Matt.

The Greatest Beard Ever

Sure, it's going to take a lot of commitment to grow. It's going to be itchy, stinky, and a real pain in the ass if you ever have to put on a tie. Some people will mistake you for a hobo and either try to feed you soup or ask you to leave the library. But at the end of the day, you will still be the only guy in the bar who looks like a crazy Russian wizard. You can't put a price on that....