"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Dance Floor Sign Language 2.0: Now With Mustaches!

by Alex Gilman · January 31, 2011

Go HERE for more photos by  Olivia Gossett and tag yourself and your friends!

It's been a little while since we last donned our safari hats and did a little in-the-field dance floor anthropology work. Today's lesson takes us back to La Cita, where the eclectic downtown crowds are always willing to demonstrate Dance Floor Sign Language in its natural habitat. And we're in for an even better treat: now that they trust us, they've broken out the mustaches, each of which also carries a special significance and hidden meaning. Let's explore!

As we mentioned before, extending a middle finger is a great way to tell someone you like that they are "number one" in your book. This explains why our friend here has a look of vacant friendliness on his face. He offers up the double-birdie because he knows that his buddy on the other side is too wasted to even look at the camera, let alone wave, smile, or hold up a middle finger. This way, it still averages out.

As Huey Lewis famously sang, "it's hip to be square." Rectangles, on the other hand, are symbolic of deep inner conflict, shameful secrets, and loss. Tragically, this guy is at La Cita tonight to confront the love of his life, who left him for another man with an even cooler watch. His brutal honesty to us reveals that he has the soul of an artist, but he covers his eyes with his finger, in case he has to kill the other man in a crime of fierce passion. His friend just thinks they're there to dance.

What you can't see in this picture is that on the other side of the cameraman, several other bar patrons are trying to throw things- cherries, crumpled-up napkins, ice cubes, small rocks- into this guy's open mouth. Whoever makes it first gets a free drink, but the last person to make their shot has to be the target in the next round.

We don't mean to alarm our readers, but this man is an evil wizard. He is offering this poor young girl as a sacrifice, and in return, he hopes to summon a Mustache Demon to feed on the souls of those present...

...and it worked! As you can see, the Mustache Demon is hungry for souls. Unfortunately for him, he's at a hipster bar.

Speaking of mustaches, this guy looks like the perfect combination of Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz. Therefore, I propose that we call him "SNL Guy." All in favor?

Sometimes, sign language is as simple as saying, "I can't believe my friend is still wearing Ed Hardy."

Have you heard of this new dance all the kids are doing? It's called the Human Centipede, and frankly, it's kind of gross.