"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Let's Make Bingo Fun Again, With Alcohol!

by Alex Gilman · April 4, 2011

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Old people! It never really looks like they're having that much fun, does it? Whether it's reading Newsweek (that magazine still exists, right?) with a magnifying glass or filling their refrigerators with batteries, our nation's elderly have perfected the art of making all tasks seem like laborious chores. Even golf, once that most noble of ways for rich white people to escape their hellish families and drink all day, is now the exclusive purview of those nearly too feeble to lift their clubs. Well, we'll let Great-Uncle Cornelius hang on to golf for the time being, because we've got bigger plans: we're taking Bingo back with the Underground Rebel Bingo Club.

Introducing Rebel Bingo, a great big ball-pickin' party that likes its Bingo with a little more booze, tunes and skin than your Nana might be used to, although every family is different. And once you've experienced Bingo with the accompanying debauchery, you really start to consider what other prime activities those selfish, selfish elderly are hogging to themselves, and how we can make it fun for all audiences. Please note that when I say "make it fun," I just mean: add drinking.

Like The Olde Country Buffet. Now, I'm 26 years old, so I've never been inside an Olde Country Buffet. In fact, I can't say with certainty that there's even an actual buffet in there. For all I know, it's a fueling station where the elderly are hooked into a creamed corn I.V. for 45 minutes and then sent on their way with several stolen dinner rolls in a pocketbook, in order to maintain the illusion. But then again, it could also be the most magical spread in all of creation, a smorgasbord of Wagyu beef and Black Sea caviar, artfully arranged on the naked bodies of supermodels. It doesn't really matter, as the point of this thought exercise is really centered around alcohol consumption. So what do we get when we add copious amounts of booze to a greasy, all-you-can-shovel buffet? Oh yeah, that's right, you get Las Vegas. Which everybody loves. Win!

But being old is about more than just stealing packets of Splenda from a lower-mid-range family restaurant. It's also about watching Jay Leno. Now, normally I would never subject myself to that circus-chinned cornball, but, as this is for science, I went to nbc.com and fired up the first video of Jay I could find. I think I understand why old people find Jay so comforting, as he has this incredibly self-defeating way of restating his punchlines several times with an increasing amount of explanation, ensuring that you both never miss, nor laugh at, a joke. It is now 11 am and I find myself staring at the bottle of Jameson on my desk like a "Mad Men" character. So alcohol makes Jay Leno better, too! We're 2-for-2!

And what about voting? Now there's something no self-respecting young person would ever do, right? Could alcohol add fun to even the interminable drudgery of civic duty? Unfortunately, there's no way to find that out today, with no general elections occurring in the Los Angeles area. So I took another shot of Jameson and logged onto espn.com, where the poll question of the day asked me something about who should be on the cover of the Madden '12 video game. Not wanting to leave an important decision like this up to the easily-confused elderly, I voted for noted animal lover Michael Vick. Democracy in action!

So there you have it. It's not that the elderly don't do fun things in theory, it's just that they've often forgotten what it is that makes things fun in the first place: heavy drinking! So the next time you're out to dinner with Grandpa and he starts rambling about the War of 1812 or whatever, just smile, nod, and give the waitress that secret signal you've worked out ahead of time that means, "tequila and lime, please!" And that's what I call inter-generational communication.