"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Let's Shame Moammar Gaddafi Into Leaving Office, Best2k Style!

by Alex Gilman · March 25, 2011

At the risk of trivializing a serious international incident and reducing a humanitarian crisis to a simple character attack, Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi is a real dick. If the world community were a 4th-grade birthday party, he would be the creepy, aggressive kid who got invited because your parents felt bad for him, hung around eating his boogers way too long because you were hoping he'd give you a nice present, and then jammed his hand into the birthday cake because he thought it was funny. Of course, unlike a stinky 4th-grader, it's going to take a major armed revolution, a NATO-enforced no-fly zone, and possibly more to get Mo out of the world's backyard. So what about the playground's greatest weapon (rocks are a close #2), humiliation?

In careful conjunction with all other approaches, let's systematically humiliate this gaping ass until he starts crying. Here's a few starting points.

He Dresses Like a Circus Clown

Here's a good rule of thumb when choosing a leader: if you've seen the same clothes on Michael Jackson, stay far away. Between the Jacko-style sunglasses and epaulets ensemble, the Bedouin/late-era Marlon Brando robes, or the occasional walrus hat, Colonel G (or K, or Q) is a walking fashion disaster. And while this lack of fashion sense may not universally disqualify someone from running a country (rumor has it Tony Blair dressed in nothing but Fubu when the cameras were off), that sort of general lack of self-reflection doesn't tend to bode well for leadership abilities. This guy doesn't need another set of robes, he needs a gay best friend and a Bravo show.

He's A Shitty Parent

Gaddafi has eight children, all of whom were taught from a young age to work hard, stay humble, and earn everything they got. Just kidding! In a nod to classic dictators everywhere, Mo's kids are horrible, entitled, cruel and vapid. Right before the recent unrest, his son Saif was getting dragged through the British papers for treating the London School of Economics like the MGM Grand, throwing Libyan money at the school in exchange for a gentle coast through a supposedly rigorous PhD program, including a blatantly plagiarized thesis. Of course, a little academic dishonesty is a drop in the ocean compared to the appropriately named Hannibal, who specializes in beating up girlfriends, assaulting cops, and drunk-driving backwards on the Champs Elysses. Now, I understand that running a country can take away from the quality time you spend with your kids; I've seen the Bush twins. But if you've had eight, you'd hope at least one would turn out okay. Once again, it's not exactly a vote of confidence in his leadership.

He Is A Bond Villian

Oh yeah, did we mention that he basically is a bad guy from a James Bond movie? Because that is factually accurate. According to some reports, Gaddafi has forty female bodyguards, all virgins, whom he hand-selects and sends abroad for elite weapons and hand-to-hand combat training. We also know from the leaked US diplomatic cables that he travels everywhere with a "voluptuous blond Ukrainian nurse" who obviously breaks dudes' necks with her thighs, because come on. So he's a colorfully dressed, batshit crazy despot surrounded by deadly chicks. Case closed. I hear Daniel Craig just bought a plane ticket to Tripoli.

So there's a start. Obviously, making fun of this guy is only one facet of a very serious world situation, and there are real people out there who are hurting right now. But maybe, if we all band together, we could make fun of him until he cries. And wouldn't that be fun?

[Photos via]