"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" So You Want To Fight a Bouncer...

Christmas came a few days early this year with this video from nyctheblog of an extremely intoxicated young man getting a very simple physics lesson from an enormous bouncer outside of an NYC bar. Though it's too late for this particular bro, maybe we can learn a few lessons from what he did wrong.

Let's be clear: we fully support the actions of this particular bouncer. This drunk kid just screams "gigantic D-bag," and frankly, the women of Midtown were probably able to trust the contents of their drinks just a little easier without him around. But what if there comes a time when it's you facing down one of these Arena Football washouts?

Avoid Racial/Ethnic/Religious Slurs

Let's hope you do this anyway. Just in case you don't, however, we'll save you some trouble and tell you right now that this is a fast track not only to getting your ass beat, but to having the whole crowd cheer the bouncer on while he turns your face into shepherd's pie. And save the excuses about how frustrated/drunk/upset you were; if it didn't work for Kramer, it won't work for you.

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Stop Acting So Special

In other words, you probably have a pretty good idea why you're being kicked out/denied entry. If you're too drunk, you know it, if you're under-dressed like this guy, you know it, if you're Kiefer Sutherland, you know it. Acting like the universe will collapse in on itself if you can't get drunk(er) tonight probably won't get too much sympathy from the guy who's been standing outside for the last four hours, dealing with hundreds of charming people just like you.

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Don't Threaten Legal Action

Even though you got stoned and watched five straight hours of "Law & Order: SVU" yesterday, you are not a lawyer. Therefore, do not claim to know the legal definition of assault, threaten a frivolous lawsuit, or otherwise embarrass yourself with your paper-thin knowledge of the law. Remember, your drunk ass is FAR more likely to end up in jail than the bouncer's. Oh, and if you do happen to be a law student, you are even worse. Shut up, go home, and do some studying.

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