"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" The Beard & Dreadlock Paradox

For the last five or so years, I've been under the extremely mistaken impression that I am able to grow facial hair. This has led to a variety of embarrassing style attempts, including a "NASCAR dad" goatee, a wispy "show me on the doll where he touched you" mustache, and, currently, a beard that, while luxurious in its own right, could never hope to compare to the follicled beauty of what was on display at Feed A Model's "Last Night a DJ Saved My Life" party and art show. Guess I'd better keep dreaming.

[Go HERE for more photos from "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life" and tag yourself and your friends!]

A good beard, which I can't personally claim to have really ever had, must combine the comfort of wearing a Snuggie with the manliness of openly carrying a firearm. It tells the world: "not only does my body produce adequate testosterone, but I'm also secure enough in my ability to get chicks that I'm willing to strap sandpaper to my face." I like that resolve.

This guy's beard, in particular, is worthy of quite a bit of praise. In an attempt to disguise the fact that he may or may not otherwise resemble Jimmy Fallon, this guy has opted for what I can only assume is the multi-year project of growing the beard of an Orthodox Jewish man. Judging by his lovely family, this move actually worked out for him, however, I can't help but think that not all epic beards garner so much affection. This is a travesty. Growing a beard like that demonstrates to women that you're virile, able to sustain commitment, and able to store nuts and fruits inside of it in the event of a particularly harsh winter. In other words, you're a provider. Ladies, do you really think beardless Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be able to protect you when society collapses?

Though they can be as objectively awesome as beards, dreadlocks are not limited by your testosterone levels. Anyone with a good degree of patience and a relative hatred of shampoo can eventually cultivate a set of 'locks that would make Ricky Williams proud. No, the limiting factor in my lack of dreads is my undeniable whiteness.

Now, I'm not saying white people aren't allowed to grow dreadlocks, but I am saying that I have never once in my life seen a white person with dreadlocks that I didn't instantly hate. And I went to a small New England liberal arts college, so trust me when I tell you I've seen some white people with dreadlocks. Oh, Moonshadow, I'm so sorry your post-consumer recycled Frisbee factory start-up didn't work out, but there's always a job for you at dad's Taco Bell franchise!

For more examples of awful whiteboy dreads, check this out.

So to the dudes with beards, dreads, and the rare and beautiful combo of both, I salute you. Just- keep them clean, ok?