"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" The Lindsay Lohan Freedom Party

It looks like Lindsay Lohan has once again fallen off the freedom wagon. The 24-year old actress/spray-tan mogul/living performance art piece will turn herself in today for felony grand theft charges for allegedly stealing (or, per her excuse, extreme borrowing) a necklace from a Venice jewelry store. But here's the thing: this is our fault, America. And we owe her.

That's right, this is our fault. We took a perfectly normal American family—shrill, self-obsessed mother, emotionally distant, opportunistic father, and a brood of me-first little fameballs—and we rooted for them to crash and burn. We wanted this to happen as spectacularly as possible, so we could pretend they were in some fundamental way different from us and our selfishness and shortcomings. But once Lindsay's locked up forever, that's one less scapegoat we have when we look in the mirror. So let's break her out of jail so we don't have to address our real problems.

That's why we just threw the 1st annual (we're guessing it's not the end of her legal trouble) Free LiLo party in Lindsay's favorite place in L.A., the loading dock behind the West Hollywood BevMo*. As you can see in the photos, those closest to Lindsay donated their time and skills, including a Sam Ronson DJ set, a magic show from Brent Bolthouse (you didn't know he used to open at the Magic Castle?), and all the factory-second citron vodka you can drink, courtesy of BevMo. Kevin, the night shift manager, had this to say:

"Even though Lindsay is no longer allowed inside any of our Southern California BevMo locations, we still encourage her to take advantage of our online ordering services."

Heartfelt and true, Kevin.

Now, at this point, donating the proceeds from this or any other party to her legal fund would be like throwing it away. I'm fairly certain L.A. District Court judges look at sentencing Lindsay the way the rest of us think of our timesheets or expense reports: it's something you have to get through every week before you can go home. Therefore, we feel the money we've raised would be much better and more sensibly spent hiring a team of international thieves to bust LiLo out of prison once she's sentenced. But teams of international thieves don't come cheap, so keep checking back for more announced benefit galas and fund-raising events.

And in the meantime, hang in there, LiLo.

*Note: These photos are actually from the Devon Beverly Hills launch party, if you're going to be a dick about it.

[Top via by Terry Richardson via]