"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Why DJ Pauly D Is The Best Cast Member Of Jersey Shore

"Jersey Shore" came back on the air last night, returning our famous Italian-Americans back to the safety of their natural habitat, duck phone and all. And if you were one of the millions who let your Netflix disc of The 400 Blows go unwatched yet again so you could follow the adventures of these beauty school dropouts, we'll assume your favorite character is the same as ours: DJ Pauly D.

Who can say no to this wonderful man? While the rest of the cast back-stabs, schemes, and feuds relentlessly, Pauly happily bounces his way through the chaos, the Labrador Retriever of the show. Though he's no less obsessed with scoring tail, his simplicity (think Of Mice And Men) makes it substantially less Roethlisberger-esque than the perpetually overcompensating Situation.

And the best part? He was already "gainfully" employed before the show as a fist-pumping club DJ. It was in this context that our pal The Cobra Snake met up with him in Vegas (possible site of season 4?) to see just what the future Prime Minister of Italy (or at least Mayor of Seaside Heights) can do to a crowd.

Apparently, he can ROCK IT. Not for nothing, but what if we found out that Pauly D had severe male pattern baldness, and the 5-inch blowout was some sort of hairpiece/helmet? Would that be the Barry Bonds scandal of Jersey Shore? I wouldn't know what to believe anymore...

Line up ladies! If you're the 1,000th bar skank to be diagnosed with his chlamydia, you win an autographed photo!!!

Of course, there's going to be Jersey Shore imitators around trying to get in on the action. The secret to dressing like Snooki? Your sunglasses have to be as big as your boobs. This is actually the same secret to dressing like Ronnie.

The secret to J-Woww's look is a little more difficult. You have to remove every centimeter of non-structurally essential fabric from your dress without it falling apart, kind of like a clothing-based version of Jenga. This imitator is only maybe 1/3 of the way there. The real J-Woww would wear this dress to a funeral.

I have no criticisms of these two. Excellent Sammi and Ronnie impersonation.

Guido Gatorade.

[all photos via The Cobra Snake]