"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Your Last Night On Earth, With The Cobra Snake!

by Alex Gilman · May 11, 2011

If you've ever been to a religious ceremony, motivational speech, or a really shitty intervention, you've probably heard some variation of the question, "what would you do if you knew today was your last day to live?" In the context of these awful speeches, the answer is invariably that you would, or should, spend that last night praying to Jesus/Yahweh/Allah/Krishna/Xenu, or that you should run around giving tearful hugs to everyone you've ever said hello to. With all due respect to those who think these are good ideas, these are both terrible ideas. As The Cobra Snake and I agree, if you only have one night left to live, you'd better throw a really kick-ass party.

See, throwing a farewell party wouldn't be about you. It'd be about your friends, who will remember you forever as the dude who blew the walls off of Freak City (or wherever you may choose to hold your Going Away bash) in his/her last 24 hours of life. That's got to better than being the dude who spent the last day apologizing to every bug you ever stepped on, or making peace with the kid who stole your Pop-Tarts on the 2nd grade bus. I'm not saying don't settle any deeply lingering issues, by the way. I'm just saying solve them at the party, over booze and dancing.

By the way, this is not in any way advocating that you make the last day of your life any sooner than it needs to be. Life is way too awesome to cut it off before you have to. This is strictly applicable to Brian's Song/Lifetime Movie-Of-The-Week type situations.

What else should you make sure you do on the way out?

Kiss a Girl (or Guy)

Your last day on Earth should definitely not be spent living in fear of rejection or societal pressure. If you want to kiss ANYONE of any gender, today would be the day to do it. And if they know it's your last day and they don't give you at least a little tongue, then they suck anyway. Worst case scenario, you can always go hit up the Japanese kissing machine.

Be Loud

Being loud is always a good decision, but if you're about to take off, you'd better give them something to remember you by, right? Make sure your party is capital-L Loud, whether that means your awful garage band finally gets their 15 minutes, or that you simply crank the iTunes up as loud as your speakers will allow. The point is, you're looking for your blaze of glory here. Don't half-ass the rock, not now.

Go Out On Your Own Terms

Whatever those may be. All I'm saying is, there's integrity to be had in dying on your feet. Sure, that usually applies to combat, or protesting something deeply unjust, but if those aren't the cards you've been dealt, why couldn't it mean "slammed off Tequila on the dance floor?" You're still on your feet, aren't you?

So if you're on the way out, I have two things to say to you. First, I'm terribly sorry. But second, can I come to your party?

[All photos via The Cobra Snake]