"Best €2k I Ever Spent!" Ridiculous Tourist Fashions of Europe, Parthenon Edition Vol. 1

by Alex Gilman · April 27, 2011

The structure in the background is the Parthenon. Located atop the Acropolis hill in Athens, it was the city's dedicated temple to Athena and is now considered one of the great cultural treasures of the world. By studying it carefully, archaeologists determined it exemplifies the most perfect application of the Doric style. The structure in the foreground is my brother Nick. By studying this photo carefully, those same archaeologists were able to conclude that it was 9 am when this picture was taken, and that we had been drinking copious amounts of red wine the previous night. They also determined that he hadn't washed that outfit in several days, but luckily, this part wasn't much of a problem, as his was among the least ridiculous styles we witnessed atop the ancient mountain. Did I mention that Athens is in Europe?

First, behold the Classic American tourist. There's so much going on here. The ballcap-and-wraparound shades ensemble that men this age only wear if they're on vacation or robbing a bank? Check. The amazingly nondescript windbreaker that probably says the name of the last place he visited on the front? Of course. Shorts with 25 different pockets in an ill-conceived attempt to evade those legendary European pickpockets? You bet. And finally, the kind of black non-stick sneakers I haven't worn since that summer I was a waiter at PF Chang's, topped with white socks pulled so high that they might be strapped to the shorts? This guy should be IN a museum, not visiting one.

Sure, walking around all day on a guided tour is uncomfortable. But I cannot, cannot imagine that this is more comfortable. Holy shit.

When Europe had the Black Plague, half the population was wiped out in just a few short years. When they got the Black Fever, on the other hand, they kept "Getting Jiggy Wit' It" on the pop charts for seven years. Bonus points for his buddy's fake stunner shades!

I understand that fashion, like most things, is trial and error. You try something, and if it doesn't work, you try something else. That having been said, there are some things that, having never worked at any point, should no longer even be attempted. I guess what I'm saying is, nice leather baseball cap.