"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" What We Hope Goes Wrong At The Oscars, Vol. I

by Alex Gilman · February 23, 2011

    As we all know, this Sunday marks the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, or as it's known to advertising executives, the Gay Superbowl. Ostensibly the crown jewel of the Hollywood awards season, the Oscars honor excellence in film, bestowing accolades on only the most important, revered and timeless movies, and Shakespeare In Love. And while the laundry list of Oscar mistakes is already a sizable one (hey, Al Pacino, can I get a "HOO-AH?"), there's no reason why the incestuous, petulant, self-important Academy can't etch a few more clunkers for us to mock for all time. And oh, yeah: we're expecting big things on the red carpet and at the after parties, too. So in no real order, here's the first installment of what we hope goes wrong at the 2011 Academy Awards in order for our night to go right.

    All Hail The Biebs' New Haircut

    If these stuffy sons of bitches didn't invite Justin Bieber to the Awards show so that America can get a good look at his new haircut, then Steve Stoute and I agree that they are woefully out of touch with modern life. Today's kids don't know who Bono is but I'll bet his old ass gets invited. The best part of the Biebs' new cut? He went from having a haircut that made him look like a 34 year old lesbian to having a new haircut that makes him look like a completely different, 28 year old lesbian. That's called range, kids, and it's a key to super-stardom.

    PS- For anyone saying that pop stars don't deserve Oscar invitations, Biebs is an actor, yo! Check out the best thing that has ever or will ever happen on "CSI". Dramatic stuff.

    [photo via TMZ]

    Leslie Nielsen Should Round Out The Death Montage

    A favorite guessing game of sick, sad people everywhere, myself included, is guessing which dead old people will make the cut of the infamous Academy Awards Death Montage. It's pretty much a given that if you're snatched away in the prime of your youth and beauty, you'll make the cut regardless of talent level or accomplishment, but each year, more and more famous old actors are going to that great coke party in the sky, leaving the Academy with some tough choices.

    Well, here's one choice that's already been made for you, Oscar: Lt. Frank Drebin deserves the final "spot of honor" in your little montage. Sure, there will be some who argue that Dennis Hopper contributed more to cinema, but with every ounce of due respect to the man who once banged Natalie Wood in a bathtub full of champagne, he never drop kicked the Queen of England down a flight of stairs at Dodger Stadium. Though I can't say I've seen them in a long time, The Naked Gun movies did as much as anything I saw as a kid to convince me that comedy is just a long series of fart jokes, a path that led me directly here while my friends are becoming doctors, lawyers and well-paid executives. So thanks, Leslie Nielsen. This one's on me.

    [photo via]

    "Best Picture" Should Be Expanded to 20 Nominees

    From the "everybody gets a trophy" school of weak-kneed youth soccer coaching, the desperate Academy has come up with their conceit to nominate 10 movies for Best Picture. Based on the 10 nominees from last year, which included The Blind Side and Avatar, this also meant that standards for what is an acceptable Best Picture are completely out the window. So I think it's time for the Academy to just say 'screw it,' throw discretion to the wind, and add 10 more movies to the nomination process. This way, we can so dilute the voting pool that there will never again be a consensus winner, and just a handful of throwaway votes could easily produce a win for a movie that in no way deserves it, like Gladiator or Titanic.

    This year, while there's nothing as aggressively middlebrow as The Blind Side on the list, there's a lot of very good but nothing really great (it's a safe bet critics in 40 years won't be discussing The Kids Are All Right). We might as well give a really shitty movie a chance to win and make it more interesting. So, here are my suggested additional nominees to round out the field this year (already announced nominees are at the top):

    Best Picture Nominees 2011

    1. Black Swan 2. The Fighter 3. Inception 4. The Kids Are All Right 5. The King's Speech 6. 127 Hours 7. The Social Network 8. Toy Story 3 9. True Grit 10. Winter's Bone 11. Edge Of Darkness 12. The Book Of Eli 13. From Paris With Love 14. The Last Song 15. Clash Of The Titans 16. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too 17. Kenny Chesney: Summer In 3D 18. The A-Team 19: Jonah Hex 20: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

    Imagine Mel Gibson getting a surprise win for Edge Of Darkness, looking around the auditorium to make sure he's not being Punk'd, and then awkwardly making his way up to the podium while a stunned audience tries to figure out whether they're supposed to clap or not? You can't tell me you wouldn't be riveted.

    Tomorrow: Our Oscar Preview Continues with Red Carpet Fashion Predictions, Man-Crying, and more!

    [Top photo via]