Facebook Spring Cleaning: A Virtual Checklist

by CARSON GRIFFITH · April 7, 2009

    Spring has sprung, even if all the flowers in Central Park haven’t. It’s time for spring cleaning, and while for some of you that means your closets, for tech geeks and online self promoters, that means Facebook. Yes, it’s time to rid yourself of unnecessary Facebook friends! They’re just clogging up your newsfeed, lurking on your statuses, and potentially stalking your every move. We’re sure by now you’re cyber social network is looking a little unrealistic. It’s time to clean out those virtual closets everyone, and we’re here to break it down for you…

    People You Met Drunk (You Don’t Remember Them, But They Remember You…)

    At least well enough to find you on Facebook the next day. Do you really care what they are doing at 2pm in the afternoon? Their dog’s name? Or their favorite television show? De-friend.

    Random Hook-Ups

    Sure, you might have been interested the day/week/month after – who doesn’t want to see the foreboding current relationship status, the pictures of what the person really looks like in the light of day? But it’s been 6 months since a text or call. Enough is enough.

    Club Promoters

    How they find you in the first place, you have no idea (oh wait, yes you do – it’s the profile picture of you in a mini-skirt. Damn) But those annoying club event invitations haven’t got you to use the de-friend action yet. We think it’s about time.

    People You Don’t Know

    No friends in common? This one’s a no-brainer. Do not pass go. Do no collect $200. Do not accept friend request in the first place.

    Childhood Acquaintances

    You haven’t seen them since you copied off their math test in 5th grade. You rode the bus together in middle school. Gym class in high school. Your mother’s not going to make you be friends with them anymore. We promise.

    Old People

    We understand your dad might be on Facebook now. We also understand this is creepy. And this does not mean you also have to be friends with your boss, your professors, and your friend’s mom too.


    We know you want to know if they’re dating anyone new. We also know you want to know if they’ve gained weight, moved, got a new job, changed their hair color, and the list goes on. It’s not healthy. And Facebook has become the ultimate stalking tool. Repeat after us: I will not creep my Ex. Now run, don’t walk, and de-friend.

    Happy Spring Cleaning! Now get a move on!