Cruises Don't Lose: Suri's Plans For Blue Ivy Carter

Celebrity babies are a dime a dozen these days. But in the 90's teen movie playing in my brain, there are several that run the celebu-spawn social scene for the for the 2 to 10 year-old set. Suri Cruise is of course the queen bee. She has one and a half A-list parents, a rumored 500k clothing allowance, and her own tumblr where she maintains social rank and file. Suri is a mini Regina George, with wealthier parent's and a jet. But there's a new baby in town...

No one has been able to challenge her, not even Harper Beckham. No one was able to capture the public imagination, or land an single on the Billboard Hot 100, or have Oprah as their god mother all before they were one month old. No one that is... until Blue Ivy Carter. Suri is shaking in her boots as her five year reign of terror is just one successful potty training session from ending. Kingston Rossdale and Apple Martin have already defected, with others soon to follow. Blue hasn't even made her obligatory magazine cover debut yet. (We here she's holding out for 20 million.) So, what is a preschool pre-pre teen queen to do?

She could choose the "if you can't beat 'em, join em" school of thought and be besties with Blue -- take her to all the right places, teach her about going pescatarian, the in's and out's of guest blogging for net-a-porter, and how Istanbul is the new Paris.  Basically, make Blue her number two. But wait, that won't work, Paris tried that with Kim, and now the world is paying Kim $17 million to get married, while Paris is on indefinite hiatus for a second season of her show on Oxygen. Think Suri... THINK.

She could try to freeze her out, but the chances of success of too risky with shifting alliances. Honor Warren has been waiting for her moment, and the Affleck girls haven't taken too kindly to the littlest Cruise's recent sartorial criticisms. And even if it did work, the girl's name is Blue, and the emotional pain of being ostracized could spark some kind of natural talent making her even more famous. DAMN her for having TWO talented parents. Can't risk it.

There is only one option left... take out the competition. Perhaps the guidance system fails on a private jet to St. Tropez, or there is a carbon monoxide leak in the Miami condo. It will be tragic... just tragic. I know what you are thinking, 5 year olds aren't capable of such acts, especially not one raised my Tom Cruise, who has been the epitome of emotional stability for the past decade. Remember this? Blue is blazing out of the gate , but she should watch her back, because Cruises don't lose.