"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Majestic Beards Of Nightswim

Despite being the go-to symbol of masculinity and virility since, oh I don't know, the dawn of time, it wouldn't be off base to say that not everyone in today's cheekbone-obsessed culture gives the beard its due. This is a crying shame because, as Nightswim proved, a beard is versatile, practical, mysterious and seductive, all at once. You'll see.

And that's the point: you don't have to take my word for it. I could show you a bunch of out-of-context photographs of bearded gentlemen and use the circular logic that because they were attending a popular weekly party, they must be cool, and their beards must be what make them cool. And I'm totally going to do that. But I also invite you to examine the photos themselves, taking careful note of the adoring reactions of the other people in the shot. There's just no denying that these spectacular beards have raised the high fashion bar and set their creators apart.

I mean, which one of these two guys seems more interesting? The man with no beard whatsoever or his friend. To me, that's a clear choice. And that's not even one of the grand beards...

...but holy crap, this is. Who is this guy? Either our beloved friend WeHo Jesus let his Bally's membership expire, or this is a bold new Jesus on the scene in a town that could really use all the savior-ing it can get. And imagine the amount of money your transubstantiation trick can save you with our absurd liquor prices? "Oh no, just water again for me, I'm the Designated Savior... (/water into wine magic)... sucker."

Really, it makes sense that beards get ladies. Not only is she captivated by his mystery and rugged outdoorsiness, but the added benefit that things like mints, sunglasses, cigarettes can all fit snugly and securely inside your beard, if you grow a cool enough one.

For example- in the previous photo of the gentleman on the right, he wasn't wearing a bandana. Where do you think it came from?

One last side note: although the beard is king, a solid quality mustache is a thing of beauty in its own right. Behold:

So clean shaven men, you have 5 days before next week's Nightswim. Better start growin'.

[All photos via The Cobra Snake]