"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" What's Next For Casey Anthony?

by Alex Gilman · July 6, 2011

Maybe you try to only follow "real news," as in non-sensationalistic news about things that actually affect the world we live in, and thus you haven't heard about Casey Anthony. Especially if you're reading this website, the odds are unlikely, but just in case, Casey Anthony is a trashy, nominally attractive young woman who was accused of murdering her young daughter so that she could get back to her real passion of blowing strangers and boozing seven nights a week. Yesterday, despite overwhelming but admittedly circumstantial evidence, she was acquitted on all felony charges. If you're wondering whether this happened in Germany or Florida, take a look at the photo on the left. They drink better beer than Bud Light in Germany.

So now that she's been acquitted, what's next for the "White O.J.?" I'm guessing babysitting and teaching jobs are pretty much off the table, and I'm also guessing that she can't get her job at Universal Studios back, given that she never had it in the first place.

All that leaves is the one industry with no shame whatsoever, where soulless, depraved parasites will throw money at a person to do sick, horrible things on camera just because their name is recognizable, regardless of what they did to achieve that notoriety in the first place.

Oh, you meant porn? I was talking about VH1. Yeah, I figure they team her up with the Octomom, pop 'em both in a Ford Fiesta and send them on a road trip of some sort, maybe in Alaska, where they won't hear about the "not guilty" verdict for two more years at least. Maybe we could get Kate Plus Eight and Dina Lohan on board for some sort of "World's Worst Mom" megashow? If you don't think this idea has already crossed the mind of more than one reality TV exec, you're giving them way too much credit.

And for the season finale, we can cut the brake lines on the Fiesta.

[top photo via, bottom photo via]