If you follow Corinne Olympios on Instagram (and if you don't, you probably don't deserve WiFi or oxygen for that matter), you know that she's hiring an assistant. And I think I'm the perfect contender for the job. Don't believe me? Check out my cover letter, which may be the best application since Elle Woods's video application to Harvard Law School.
Dear Miss Olympios,
My name is Millie Moore and I am a recent graduate of Fordham University, where I received a bachelor’s degree in Philosophy and History. I am currently a writer at a society website Guest of a Guest and based in New York City, but I am eager to explore other career options at this moment that I feel I am suited for. This is why a position as your assistant is so compelling to me. I also would be willing to relocate to Los Angeles because I’m sick of New York winter, where I have to fake tan to look good even though it’s super bad for you, so the real thing is way better (Vitamin D, duh!). Also I hear the tacos are way better there. Also, my $1600 a month apartment is smaller than my grandma’s glam room and my Kardashian memorabilia room or my bedroom at my parents' house. So it would be nice to live somewhere…you know…that’s livable. My current place is so small that I had to compromise and choose between a bedroom or Kardashian memorabilia room. And living in a Kardashian memorabilia room with a bed in it is NOT as fun as it sounds!
Although I do not have the experience of being a personal assistant, I am confident that the experiences I have had have instilled me with the qualities necessary to be the best assistant possible. I have 6 years of experience in the hospitality industry under my belt as a bartender, waitress, and assistant manager. Through these jobs I learned organization, time management, and catering to high end clientele. I also had to do sommelier classes and learn a lot about alcohol. I have devoted much of my time outside of work to alcohol as well. I have a lot of knowledge about alcohol, have a refined palate to appreciate it, and am well versed in creating a range of libations, from tropical cocktails to body shots.
My tenure at Guest of a Guest has fostered a number of qualifications that I believe will make me the best assistant possible. I learned how to maximize my time by writing long form articles about Instagrammable food and celebrity gossip in a short window of time while being both articulate and funny. So I’m really fun to gossip with about celebs! Also, I attended two to three star studded events each week such as club openings, galas, and fashion shows where I mingled with celebs and created content for my website’s social media pages. So not only am I well versed in all social media interfaces, taking good pics, and not being starstruck because that’s lame, but I also have celeb gossip from personal experience that I could totally fill you in on! But obviously I’m not gonna name drop in a cover letter because that’s tacky and desperate.
I’m also a great communicator. I literally stare at my phone all the time, even when I don't have any notifications! Except when I’m working because, like I said, I’m a great employee.
Oh! Also I can cook for you. I read Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website like, all the time, and I own an autographed copy of Kris Jenner's cookbook. I would be willing to invest in Chrissy Teigen's cookbook as well.
Most importantly, I believe that you and I would get along really well because we have a lot in common. We both get our hair colored at IGK and people have accused us both of getting lip injections when really, we’re just genetically blessed. So yeah, we're both extremely good looking! We have both rented moon bounces at inopportune times and people judged us - but it wasn't jealous bitches that were judging me, it was police who said it was illegal to rent a moon bounce without explicit consent while tailgating at a baseball game. We also both consider whipped cream bikinis, sushi, and cheese pasta to be major food groups. We both grew up with nannies. Mine actually moved away when I was 13, so my parents didn't really pay attention to me, they just fed me Adderall and let me watch reality television while unsupervised. I like to think that's what made me the woman I am today, and I turned out great! We also share similar ambitions, like being in Juicy J music videos and world domination.
Jesus had his disciples, Beyonce had those other two chicks that were in Destiny's Child but also were her minions (I think), and Kim Kardashian has Jonathan Cheban. Why's that? Because behind every icon is an amazing assistant. Obviously, you are on the same level as Jesus, Kim Kardashian, and Beyonce. I also promise I will not be as hairy or wear lame clothes like Jesus's disciples. I won't attempt to take the spotlight like those two nameless chicks in Destiny's Child. Most of all, I promise that I will be the opposite of everything Jonathan Cheban is because he is the fucking worst.
I hope you will take my resumé into consideration, because if you hire me, I know that you and I will Make America Corinne Again!
You know you love me already
[Photo via @colympios]