My 5-Point Pitch To Solving Arnold Schwarzenegger's Babydaddy Drah-mahh

by Alex Gilman · May 17, 2011

    In an interview published on his website (since removed) in 2000, Arnold Schwarzenegger described the key to a successful marriage as follows:

    "If you have the ultimate love for your wife and she has it for you, I think you have a great head go through your ups and downs but you work through it."

    Well, I'm guessing a secret love child that you hid from your legitimate family for over a decade qualifies as a "down," no?

    We're guessing it did for Maria Shriver, who moved out last week and, according to TMZ, has contemplated divorce over suspicions of infidelity for the last two years. And while this fiasco gives Arnie the rare and dubious privilege of double-membership in the John Edwards Memorial Scumbag Politician Club and the Tiger Woods Memorial Scumbag Celebrity Club, I can't muster the schadenfreude to gloat and rubberneck this thing the way I might for almost any other famous, powerful man. See, I grew up in the late 80's and early 90's, and I fucking love Arnold Schwarzenegger. I even sat through End Of Days. More than once. Did I mention I wasn't very popular in middle school?

    [photo via]

    But all heroes fall, I guess, and Conan The Impregnator here has just joined the ranks of heroes who let you down. So where does he go from here? As a Governor, he was arguably more famous for being famous than for any specifically successful policy, and while we L.A. residents prefer our Republicans to be socially progressive like Arnold, it's not like he passed universal health care like Mitt Romney or anything. As an actor, he peaked in the series of films where he played an emotionless killing robot, and the lifestyle of a politician doesn't necessarily leave you with a movie-star body.

    So maybe it's time for Arnold to take the advice that Tiger couldn't: embrace the inner villain and go nuts. For starters, despite being a naturalized American citizen, we knew Arnold was European by birth, so there's no reason to expect him not to conduct himself like a European politician (see Berlusconi, Silvio). Furthermore, The Governator finds himself in a rare position: unlike most divorced suburban dads, for whom the whole midlife crisis affair/divorce/child support thing means significant financial hardship and 10 sad years living in a gross apartment complex full of other divorcees, Arnold is rich and famous and ready to get right back on the horse.

    So here's my 5-point pitch, Arnold:

    1. Grow a soul patch.

    2. Move to Marina Del Rey. Everyone knows MDR is the place to go if you're over 45, wealthy, single and morally dubious. You could own this town.

    3. Get a puppy and walk it along the beach and the ladies will come straight to you.

    4. If you need to work out, you're right down the street from your old Muscle Beach stomping grounds.

    5. But focus on the $5 cheeseburgers at Hinano's. You're too old to be muscle-y, it gets kind of creepy.

    You may not be the Governor anymore, but I promise you, you would be the mayor here.

    And if you feel the acting bug biting you again, forget about all this Terminator 5 bullshit. Like Mel Gibson before you, it's time to redeem your image by doing comedy. Twins 2, anyone?