You'll Never Guess What Kylie Named Her Kid

by Millie Moore · February 7, 2018

    Since Kylie *surprised* us with her pregnancy announcement this week (we aren't still patronizing her by pretending to be shocked, right?), the internet has been floating around baby name theories. Guesses included various names beginning with "K" and names that were somehow influenced by butterflies, because the butterfly symbol was a consistent theme in her pregnancy vid. My money was on Posie because that's short for "Mariposa" (Spanish for butterfly and is a gay slur) and because she had a lip kit named Posie that came out last year.

    Turns out we were all wrong. The newest addition to the Kardashian-Kjenner Klan Kis Knamed... Stormi. Not Kstormi with a silent "K." Just Stormi. (No, not with "Y" like the porn star Donald Trump had an affair with.)

    Stormi is a surprisingly hippie dippie name choice for Kylie, until you realize that Kylie is probably anticipating that Stormi will be a mainstay at Coachella 14 years from now because she's trust fund baby royalty who will inevitably have a huge social media following! 

    The only tradition Stormi's name follows is that her barely legal mom intentionally misspelled her name. Think about it: all teen moms intentionally misspell their kid's names. Is Kylie gonna bottle feed Stormi Mountain Dew and conceive her future sibling at a porta potty behind a monster truck rally as well?

    So let the countdown until Travis Scott says he's going out for sizzurp and Xannies and then never comes back begin. Don't get too attached to the last name "Webster," babygirl. (Yes, Travis Scott's last name is Webster). 

    And no, Jonathan Cheban. You aren't eligible to fill in as a father figure because Kim already claims you as a dependent on her tax forms (and her career). 

    [Photos via @kyliejenner]