Prince William & Kate Coming To CA: 10 L.A. Places They NEED To Visit (But Won't)

Before I begin, I need you to imagine Bruce Springstein's "Born In The USA" playing in the background as you read this, k? Indeed the royal newlyweds are scheduled to descend on California for three days in July for their first official trip to the country during their summer tour, and surely a pit-stop in L.A. is in order. Prince William and Princess Kate's time here is limited so they'll need to spend it wisely, which means they'll require the assistance of a local to show them the way. They already asked me if I'd be their tour guide, but I had to decline as I have plans to lounge by a pool somewhere that day. I feel kind of guilty about it and thought I should throw them a bone.  So, William and Kate, I've prepared this list of 10 must-visit places to hit while here if you want the ultimate L.A. experience, which I know you don't since you probably won't go to any of them. But still, here they are, just in case you feel like living dangerously for a minute. [Photo via]

1. In-N-Out

Duh. Probably the most obvious destination for anyone visiting L.A. Discover what a hamburger's all about and why we're really obnoxious about having the burger chain exclusively on the West coast.

2. Playboy Mansion

I already spoke to Hef and he says it's totally cool if you guys want to stop by and he'd even have the houseboy use extra chlorine in the grotto before you got there. I'm sure you've already established a certain, erm, code of conduct for your relationship, but if you haven't then you should probably have that chat and lay out the ground rules of looking and touching beforehand. One misstep or glance in the wrong direction 3 seconds too long at the Mansion and I promise you will be punished for the rest of your trip, William. [Photo via]

3. Medical Marijuana Dispensary

I know a doctor on Fairfax who can see you same day and takes walk-ins. All you have to do is tell her you have headaches and you'll have your ticket to entry.

4. Venice

I'm just going to warn you that when you cruise down the boardwalk, you will be overcome with an intense urge to buy STUFF. Stuff that you don't need and will become clutter in your life except for maybe the cheap sunglasses.

5. Black Banditz

Now that you're married it's definitely time to get matching tats. Where else can you get a tattoo AND haircut? Kate, you should totally get an undercut (the technical term for that buzzed panel under long hair style) while you're there to look the part while you're here.

6. Runyon Canyon

You'll probably see Hilary Duff or someone stupid like that. As much as you want to say something, control yourself and just be cool. I know you guys probably aren't used to seeing celebrities in your day-to-day and it's really exciting for you when you do, but when you're in L.A. you need to just take it down a notch and act like you don't care. It's no big deal here, okay?

7. Cactus

Savor Los Angeles here. You have not had a real taco until you've eaten at this shack. Yes, you do need to eat it there sitting on the crusty wooden benches as you take in the scenic views of Vine street.

8. A Dodger Game

Since Los Lakers will have already won the NBA championship for the third consecutive year by July, a grimy, beer-soaked Dodger game will suffice. [UPDATE May 9, 2011: Never mind about that championship.] Oh, and here, we pronounce it "Doyer". And you will eat Doyer Dogs.

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9. Paul & Andre

You're probably used to getting the royal treatment everywhere you go and people think you're a big deal, but check this out: Calvin does NOT care. The British nobility thing is actually a strike against you as far as he is concerned so he WILL give you shit precisely because you are who you are. If/when you get in, make friends in the co-ed bathroom. [Photo via]

10. Promises

Enough said. You'll know why you're there when you're there.