The Many Uses Of Cleavage

[Cover of The W] Scarlett Johansson, or Josie Red as I call her when she drunk texts me on 3 am peach-schnapps-and-Vicodin benders, is pretty much everywhere these days. She's doing her best Robert Palmer girl pout on the cover of W (in which she waxes poetic about “ho-bags” and “the downfall of society”). She's got a new flick out this month. And, because Josie Red's too refined to pull a Jaclyn Smith or a Jessica Simpson, she'll be capitalizing on her assets by unleashing an album upon the unsuspecting masses! Yes, with musical sounds involving her voice that will no way require backup singers or synthesizers, just earplugs. Oh, relax, don't be such a cynic. I'm sure it'll be slightly less horrible than other Hollywood cautionary tales out there.

Why will she succeed where many others have crashed and burned? Because she somehow snookered Ziggy Stardust into making a guest appearance, and she's pulled out her voodoo magic (boobs?) to highjack the songs of The Gravelly God himself, Mr. Tom Waits. (Plus, for the three of us who care, the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's Nick Zinner got duped into the project too. Was it the wonderbra for you too, Nick?) Now, folks, for the last straw...Josie Red slithered her way onto Bob Dylan's video. You see the rain coming down outside your cubicle? That’s God crying.