Kardashian Konspiracy? What The Pregnancies REALLY Mean

People keep saying that Kylie and Khloe’s pregnancies are publicity stunts because they all-too-conveniently coincided with the season premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. But I say this as someone who has been reading celebrity rags since the age of 8 and has spent over $200 at Kardashian Khaos while drunk in Las Vegas: this theory is bullshit.

I know this is a controversial opinion, but Khloe and Kylie are pretty much the hottest commodities in this family because they have to most potential to make headlines at the moment. Let’s break it down: Kim Kardashian has done every single publicity stunt imaginable. It’s not even newsworthy when she gets naked or does anything sexy anymore. Kendall is the boring one and she’s clearly trying to distance herself from that family to be taken seriously as a model. Kourtney never made that many headlines until she had that inevitable (final?) breakup with Scott. They will probably get back together at some point (duh). No one will care because it’s the same cycle with them over and over. Her less famous ex boyfriend’s hijinks have gotten more headlines than she has since their breakup. Kourtney’s first jumpoff after the breakup was Justin Bieber. She peaked too high, too quickly. She will never be able to do better.

So then we're left with Khloe and Kylie. They have a lot of potential to create new headlines for the family, specifically when it comes to sex scandals. Everyone loves sex scandals, and I believe those two are the biggest sex symbols in the family.

Let me preface this by saying I absolutely think about what the Kardashians are like in bed, and so do you. Kris Jenner wants you to think about this. This is an integral part of their empire.

Kylie is without a doubt a sex freak, or she at least wants you to think so. She has a cosmetics line that is well on its way to becoming a billion dollar company within the next few years. While I’m sure she loves makeup, you can’t help but think that she hosts hella rainbow parties since she shills lipstick. Kylie also has had enough work done to the point where she looks thisfuckingclose to being a blow up doll. She probably has had as much artificial substances injected into her that she is more plastic than human - like a blow up doll. Kylie’s also slated to be the next Kim of the family, what with the copious amounts of plastic surgery and addiction to validation from social media. Kim put at least 10 years of effort into being a sex symbol. She still is putting in effort to stay relevant, but single Kim made way more headlines as the desirable single chick. Kylie, on the other hand, turned 18 two years ago. So she was the sex symbol for a fleeting amount of time. You could argue that she was a sex symbol before she was 18, but you’d come off as a total pedo. There is nothing more alienating to a brand than becoming a young mom in a doomed relationship. Look at what happened with Jamie Lynn Spears. It’s weird.

Then we have Khloe. Khloe at one point was known as the chubby and ugly sister. I never thought this, but a lot of jerks did. Even when she was thicker, she was still more attractive than most trolls on the internet who made fun of her looks. So this glow up from the “least attractive” to a femme fatale with an enviable bod within the past couple of years is not something worth throwing away just yet. It also goes without saying that this chick is a total firecracker in the bedroom. Every guy she’s dated is over 6’4. Tristan Thompson is 6’9. Any girl knows that if you want to keep a really tall guy, you have to do whatever it takes in bed in order to lock him down.

I know these two are the most likely to get pregnant. Since they’re both sex freaks, they definitely don’t believe in condoms because they don’t believe in lame sex. They both aren’t on birth control because they haven’t used the “hormones from my birth control made my boobs/butt bigger” excuse to justify their obvious plastic surgeries. I know this is a side effect because in high school I took birth control to make my boobs bigger (which ended up not being the case) and to imply to my classmates that there were guys who wanted to have sex with me (which was never the case).

A rapper or a basketball player impregnating a woman isn’t exactly newsworthy. Obviously Kylie and Khloe’s pregnancies are valuable headlines, but only for the next nine months. And their relationships are not going to last much longer after that because like I said, the fathers are a rapper and a basketball player. Sex sells and there’s a brief window where you can actually market yourself as a sex symbol. It’s unfortunate but true. You’ve worn out your welcome when your sexcapades don’t shock anyone anymore. Then it’s time to get married, get pregnant, get divorced, rinse and repeat. That’s how the cycle worked with Kim and Kourtney.

I know this is an earth shattering statement, but I think they got pregnant and kept the babies because they legitimately wanted to and it had nothing to do with publicity. I have no idea why they would want that unless they were married. They’re cute and all, but babies are high maintenance and need to get a grip. But I’m not going to sit here and dictate what these girls should do because at the end of the day, who am I to judge? (Just kidding I judge people all the time.)

But like most people, I do believe Kris Jenner masterminded this whole scenario. Like I said earlier, this is hardly a ratings ploy. Kylie and Khloe’s pregnancies caused detriment to their sexy brands that were escalating, and Kim and Kendall aren’t really lucrative anymore. So who is left to be the sex symbol turned headliner of the Kardashian Klan? Kris fucking Jenner. I don’t even hate her for sabotaging her daughters. If anything, I respect it and can’t wait to do it to my own children.

[Photo via @krisjenner, @khloekardashian]