Taylor Swift Throws Another Party. We're Not Impressed.

by guestofaguest · November 8, 2016

    Last night, the physically experimental dancer / pop artist known humbly as Lorde turned 20. So of course, never one to pass up an occasion, Taylor Swift, the siamese cat of human beings, decided to throw her une petite fete. 

    Renting out the already ridiculously expensive ZZ's Clam Bar, Swift played bouncer in a serious way, seemingly allowing only A-Listers to attend. And while the guest list made no cognitive sense as a whole - Karlie Kloss, Aziz Ansari, Tavi Gevinson, Lena Dunham, Aziz Ansari, Mae Whitman, Aziz Ansari (seriously though!? Unless he's her uncle - what's he doing there?) - that did nothing to curb the usual template of a Swift soiree.

    Instead of a cocktail hour, a time to mull about, greet fellow guests with hellos and how are you's, Taylor has an Instagram hour. A designated time of particular photogenicness, where lighting is assessed to achieve the perfect glow. and candid moments captured uncandidly. This much, we can pretty wisely infer. But how much farther do you think she goes?

    Do you think she has a location scout? An event run-through to test the lighting? An on-site Instagram editor to brighten her lipstick and remove any un-magical shine? A props department ready to source any and all of her festive needs? A droid trained to fly an arms length away making for an effortless, strainless selfie? A food stylist curating an assortment of photo-friendly bites? 

    A creative director responsible for planning out the coincidental sartorial twinning moments, such as this feline clad-Swift and Ansari? Are all of these parties not actually taking place at their specified locations but in a studio somewhere? Taylor Swift's own party theme park manned by technologically advanced robots the likes of which you can't imagine? 

    Honestly, with things the way they are today, why not? It's a Westworld world and we're just living in it. So yeah, I'd buy it.

    Or not. Because on Halloween, you've probably found yourself drinking champagne in a tub with your costumed friends as someone happens to take a picture?

    And when you go to a 4th of July party, you usually arrange to wear the exact same thing as everyone else in attendance.

    All we're saying is maybe Taylor should take a break from the alpha-female role for a minute, and just let everybody do them. Nobody likes a bossy boots. And if you're thinking, 'What? No way could she be a bossy boots!' To that I say - seriously? How else do you think such overly manicured moments arise? Because Taylor Swift scribbles ideas in a diary, and then makes everybody do them. The Castro of group texts.

    Again, just a suggestion for a girl who's very person seems all too tied up in the role of 'performer.' After all, If a Taylor Swift throws a party and there's no social media footprint, did she really throw a party?

    And one step further, does she even really exist? Again, I think I've just solved the Westworld puzzle, and yes, the answer is robot Taylor Swift in a house throwing theme parties for friends.

    [Photos via @lordemusic, @taylorswift, @marthahunt]