This Douchey Lawyer Has The Grossest Defense For Harvey Weinstein

As journalists, we receive pitches all day long from publicists on behalf of their clients; sometimes it’s candy corn-infused Cognac cocktails, other times it’s misguided political babble designed to capitalize on some contrived angle compiled by a desperate PR team looking to make a quick buck. In this case, it’s the latter, which brings us to storytime.

I was sitting in the executive lounge at an airport hotel in Madrid minding my own business (as one does) when something with a rather eye-catching subject line from a woman named Maggie hit my inbox. It read: “Harvey Weinstein - Author & Defense Lawyer Says Here’s His Defense: Controversial.” “Hmm, controversy,” I thought. “I’ll bite.” Next thing I know, I’m reading the most tone-deaf, incendiary combination of words ever to grace my Gmail app, essentially condemning every single woman who has courageously come forward with allegations against Weinstein, diminishing the severity of the scandal’s personal repercussions, and ultimately reducing those affected to sexual objects who overreact when they get what they ask for. Amid tasteless puns, this wannabe Weinstein defender tirelessly and flagrantly victim-blames over and over again in a ridiculous tirade that literally nobody asked for. He blames everyone but the abuser. All this by way of a female publicist whose shamelessness, lack of self worth, and dignity as a woman knows no bounds.

The bottom line here is that we must stop judging and blaming victims, particularly when it comes to women who have suffered sexual assault and its aftermath. We must identify wrongdoing and be vocal about it until someone listens. It is imperative to silence those who perpetuate rape culture by drowning their voices out with our own. At this point, we can no longer be complicit - I call upon you to accept double the workload to make up for the absence of the allies that will never be. Rose McGowan, we are enlisting in your army and will be your proxies should Twitter or any man of power ever dare to silence you again.

As for Maggie...well, hopefully she’ll wake the hell up when she sees this.

Without further ado, I present to you the most fucked up typo-ridden email of the century - read it, tweet it, scream it from the mountaintops, and blow the patriarchy to smithereens. Bye, Norm!

From: Maggie
To: Celine

Subject: Harvey Weinstein - Author & Defense Lawyer Says Here's His Defense: Controversial

Dear Celine,

I thought your audience might find Norm Pattis' [sic] controversial commentary on a likely-successful Harvey Weinstein defense of interest.

While everyone is jumping on the Weinstein-touched-me bandwagon, here's the other side of the story. (to be clear, Pattis abhors the crime of rape but in this case...)

You likely know Norm from some of his high profile cases, e.g. NY Millionaire Madam... or his books, including the bestseller Taking Back the Courts.

His comments on this case (see his blog post below) might have some validity and may point toward Weinstein's likely-successful defense.

Can I set up an interview with Norm Pattis for you? Or, provide further information?

www.normpattis.com
www.pattislawfirm.com

Thanks,
Maggie

Call Me, Harvey. I’ll Defend You

Not since Meg Ryan’s fake orgasm sitting across a diner’s table from Billy Crystal in “When Harry Met Sally” have we seen such disingenuous huffing and puffing about sex from Hollywood. The starlets are atwitter with allegations of being groped, and worse, by Harvey Weinstein, a man who launched more starlets than, well, forgive me, the Big Bang.

Really, people. Hollywood sells sex. We buy the fantasy. People get obscenely rich in the process. Is it any surprise that, assuming the allegations are at least in part true, those tiptoeing the line between fantasy and reality from time to time crossed libidinal boundaries?

Even Hillary Clinton has come out of retirement, exclaiming in horror about the accusations involving Weinstein, as though Monica Lewinsky’s dry-cleaning bills weren’t her husband’s — the former president of the United States — problem.

Let’s hope this libidinal storm passes, and soon. There’s a world of real problems that need solving. North Korea threatens to incinerate while Trump bloviates. Americans are dropping by the thousand to opioid overdoses amid suspicions that the American dream is over. The climate delivers fire, rain and death. A tired world migrates from one place to another in a desperate attempt to escape the grim logic of scarcity.

Will prosecutors really spend the intellectual and social capital necessary to haul Weinstein into court? They shouldn’t.

Young starlets flocking to the press to denounce Weinstein have stains of their own to explain. How many were willing to play to get paid? It wasn’t chance that put them within Weinstein’s reach; it was ambition. How much were they willing to give to get the stardom he and his studios could offer? You know the answer.

The courts regard sex offenses with a special horror. Rape is a close cousin to murder. It is a furtive, secretive sort of offense. Special rules of evidence, extended statutes of limitations, a solicitousness of accusers inconsistent with the presumption of innocence attend these cases.
But let’s be real: If a woman was raped, fondled, or otherwise abused in ways inconsistent with her sense of dignity, why would it take years for her to make public the outrage? Fear, you say?
Fear of what? Not getting the starring role, the accolades that come of fame?

The legion of victims all reek of the starlet’s hunger to land the starring role. What’s next, Angelina Jolie in the lead of the new docudrama — “Victim!”? The list of accusers grows with the speed of a line at MacDonald’s [sic] on a night two burgers are sold for the price of one.
An accuser — calling them victims suggests there is credence to their claims — who waits years to come forward has made a choice, a calculation. In the cold terms of economics, the marginal utility that comes of complaining is low unless and until they get what they wanted all along — fame and public solicitude.

What circumstances lead a young, attractive woman to spend time alone with Harvey Weinstein? Dare I call it naked ambition? The successful among them now live in mansions paid for by titillation.

And why would a starlet hesitate to claim that Weinstein mauled her? An obvious answer — because she got what she played for.

Prosecutors need to think long and hard about whether to pursue a claim against Weinstein. Politically correct pandering isn’t the pursuit of justice.

I envy the criminal defense lawyer who defends Weinstein against any of these claims. His accusers have dry-cleaning bills all their own to explain. Did Harvey get more pussy than Donald Trump ever dreamed of? Probably. Indeed, the starlets now claiming abuse are so brazen I suspect they’d make even Monica Lewinsky blush.

Weinstein’s defense? Consent. All of us aided and abetted.

Case closed.

FYI, his Twitter account isn't much better.

[Photo via Getty]