We Need To Talk About Gwyneth Paltrow's Latest Career Move

I know everyone has been like, Coachella this, impending World War III that, but can we please direct the convo back to Gwyneth Paltrow for a second? Because I feel like we've totally glazed over the latest Goop news.

And look, we all have different definitions of what is considered ~*~newsworthy~*~ in the world of Gwyneth Paltrow. A quick Google search will tell you that the most noteworthy thing to happen in the GP orbit as of late is that her kids are "horrified" that her lock screen on her phone is a shirtless picture of her husband. I'm sorry, but that's just the mainstream media spoon feeding you the liberal agenda. The Paltrow-Martin children are just happy that mother dearest's lock screen isn't a nude photo of herself. 

But what I'm talking about now is the recent news that Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop has not only partnered with cruise line Celebrity Cruises, but that Gwyneth herself has also been named a "well-being advisor" for the entire line.

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First off, can we just acknowledge that the name of the cruise line is Celebrity Cruises? That's about as trustworthy a five star experience as gas station sushi or attending Revolve Festival at Coachella. There is nothing seemingly chic about that, but I digress (slightly). Come September 24th, the Celebrity Beyond™ vessel will set sail through the Italian Riviera and France while guests enjoy the full-on Goop treatment. When they're not taking in the sights of Provence and Tuscany during the nine day excursion, they can sip on the "exclusive" Goop smoothie at The Spa Café, which begs two questions: What in the fresh hell is a Goop smoothie and who is in charge of the marketing at Celebrity Cruises and The Spa Café? 

But wait, there's more, but barely. The cruise also includes wellness programs and amenities, such as the AquaClass stateroom (whatever that is) and Aqua Sky Suite enhancements (once again, whatever that is). And if you are one of those people that goes abroad just to stay in your suite the whole time, no worries - there's On-Demand Goop content straight from your own television. 

The last time I remember a celebrity of her caliber collaborating with a cruise line is when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen had their own cruise vacation with Sail With the Stars back in 1998. We all know Gwyneth considers herself the queen of the '90s, but we really thought she'd bring back literally any other trend, including heroin chic, or maybe even heroin itself, before she'd bring back the celeb-cruise collab. 

Of course, Gwyneth's latest out-of-left-field project begs the question: Is downmarket the new market? The only other celebrity that seems to be in the cruise game right now is the famously infamous Kid Rock, and the only demos that overlap are the unvaccinated and the tone deaf. But Gwyneth's already gone to great lengths to shock us with her business ventures. We mean, one candle using her vagina as a muse was a wild move. A second candle that, once again, used her vagina as a muse, was even more insane. A third candle would've been like, meh. So really the only two options she has left are to a) start believing in legitimate, research backed science or b) go the everyman route. So this whole cruise venture actually makes...sense for her? But hey, it's 2022. Weirder things have happened.