Better Living Through Science

Some women habitually lose their keys while others have trouble keeping track of their nocturnal companions.  Vive la difference!  For the latter portion of the population, science has come to your rescue in the form of the first ever at-home paternity test complete with a watercolor rendition of child-rearing and a restraining order form for when he finds out he's not the father.  The company's Stepford-ish slogan, "Peace of Mind Through DNA Testing" is a little too reminiscent of the 1950's "Better Living Through Science" mind-meld, but hey, at least know you'll know which guy you can saddle with the title "baby daddy" for the next 18 years.

For $20, Indentigene lets you (along with the baby and potential father) suck on a cotton swab for DNA harvesting and then send in the soggy specimens for results in 3 - 5 days.  Of course, if you actually want to know who sired the bundle of burpy joy, you'll have to fork over an extra $119.  And don't think you can just run to the Duane Reade down the street on the Sunday morning after.  Around these parts, Rite Aid appears to have cornered the market on Determining Daddy.  I smell a new reality show.