New York City Dumping Rituals

by MADDY MADISON · February 14, 2008

    brokenheart.jpg Love and dating in New York is, by nature, obviously different than anywhere else in the country. Sex and the City has already shoved this down our throats. Gossip Girl spoon feeds us this same mantra every week, though I never seem to fill up. Chuck, where are you?! But forget about the mating rituals. What about the dumping rituals in New York that certainly go on just as frequently, if far more discreetly? My top four suggestions for making a clean break with minimal mess on the streets of New York...

    [Image Source: L Magazine]

    The Doorman: Nowhere else does a man dressed like a bellhop with a gym membership wield so much power. These people are the first line of defense for dump-ers with a fear of confrontation. I once had a friend whose boyfriend dumped her by removing her name from the front desk guest directory and informing the doorman that her presence was no longer welcomed in the building. She later got that same doorman to let her sneak into his apartment and scatter pigeon shit all over his place, but that’s for the Revenge: NYC Style edition.

    Cab: Ah, yes, my preferred mode of dumping. You know the drill. End things early at dinner. Skip the drinks to avoid drawing out the inevitable. Offer to share a cab even if you’re going in opposite directions- but be absolutely certain to be dropped off first. That way you can sprint out of the cab with the words “I just couldn’t do it anymore” wafting behind the trail of dust in your wake. Remember, it’s just like firing someone…better to be the one walking out of the room than the one left picking up the pieces. Plus, who wants to stick around if they go postal?

    Cell phone: Granted, this piece of technology is ubiquitous around the country. But the city’s got a monopoly on obnoxious, incesscent cell phone chatters by a mile. It only makes sense that these little suckers are perfect to employ when dumping your significant other. In fact, I recently learned how to bypass the ring function and go directly to voicemail when calling. No one wants to hear sobs and snot drip into the phone receiver.

    Craiglist, baby!: That bastion for all things used and well-loved is also the perfect place to discard your worn-out relationship right alongside your tired old futon. Just send the unlucky recepient an email of the posted link with the subject line: “Thought you’d be interested in this!” Who said breaking hearts can’t be profitable at the same time? I’ll be starting a Severed Connections section directly after Valentine’s Day!

    I prefer these methods of doing the deed, but the L Magazine’s got some tips as well on prime locations for dumping in the city.