So it looks like the Summer Spy Scandal might be heading for a speedy resolution. How do we end things? Concert Tour! Yes, this is motivated entirely by one of the (alleged) spies' extreme resemblance to Celine Dion. Yes, this is a great idea.
Our proposal: Each spy will sing duets with his or her musician doppelganger. We are geniuses. You're welcome.
Vicky Pelaez and Celine Dion
See? She is Celine Dion. And both have struggled with personal crises: Celine had trouble getting pregnant; Vicky is in jail awaiting charges of with conspiring to act as unregistered agents of a foreign government. Comparable! They can sing All By Myself and If You Asked Me To while a giant portrait of Vladimir Putin is lowered onto the stage.
Donald Healthfield And That Gray-Haired Guy From American Idol
This mysterious guy reminds us of Taylor Hicks, even though he's still a couple salt and pepper shakes away from Hicks's trademark 'do. Still, the singer and the spy share an intense gaze and a suburban dad-style cockiness. The two intense-eyebrowed creepy-eye men can sing Hell of a Day as enormous busts of Vladimir Putin rise out of trapdoors in the stage floor.
Anna Chapman and Kelly Clarkson
The hottest and most notorious (due to her hotness) of the spies is a tricky one. And although she's projecting a strong Miley Cyrus c. 2007 vibe in this pic . . .
. . . We're sensing kind of a Kelly Clarkson aura from her overall. Yes, we know that Kelly Clarkson has been wearing a lot of cargo pants lately, but hear us out. Our Evidence:
A) Anna Chapman's ex is an obvious sleazeball who gives topless photos of her to the press. This is exactly the kind of guy that Kelly sings about all the damn time. B) Both of them are energetic but whiny. C) Hair and stare.
[Anna Chapman photos courtesy of facebook]
Close enough. Anna will help Kelly with Because of You while backup dancers in bald-caps and Vladimir Putin nametags flood the stage.
Huh, our American Idol picks seem somehow symbolic . . . maybe because the (alleged) spies all behaved with aggressive banality in order to fit in, just as all American Idol winners are inherently banal.
Richard and Cynthia Murphy. Um.
Yeah, so it turns out there aren't that many sleeper-cell suburban moms and dads kickin' it in the arenas of this fair land. Thus, we nominate Jay-Z and Beyonce to teach the Murphys some moves. Bonus: the two couples can bond over their secretiveness, since J & B kept close-lipped about their marriage for, like, 20 years. Are they even married now? We're not sure! Omg! They have so much in common with the spies! They can all sing a cover of Coldplay's Spies (there's no way we're leaving that one out of the songlist) as Vladimir Putin parachutes in and begins dancing a break dance-Trepak hybrid.