Esquire Best-Dressed Contestants Don't Understand The Rules

by SUSANNAH LONG · April 8, 2010

    Esquire's 2010 Best Dressed Real Man Contest is in full swing, but certain persons seem to have missed the point of a best-dressed contest. We've culled photos of the worst offenders to use as teaching aids:-

    We've tried to weed out obvious joke entries (women, men with un-ironic mullets and grainy photos who claim that their bus-driver nickname is "Ontime Tim!!!!!", 12-year-olds with bar mitzvah photos posted). So we think the sampling below represents an accurate portrayal of real-life guys who are bad at understanding contests and/or putting clothes on.

    Don't get us wrong, all these guys are cute (if only because they're entering a best dressed competition, which invites the label of "cute" in the same way that toddlers telling jokes does). However, simply put, many of them are just not trying. Rule number 1 in Esquire's FAQ/Rules section is It's all about your clothes. From that we can infer that it's not about your naked chest, your muscles, your hobbies, or your arm candy. Gentlemen, if you want a cut of that 20,000 bucks in prize money, you better be sporting some nice rags. Here's how to not win:

    Scarves are the lazy man's neck cummerbund. We're not impressed.

    What's with the mustache thing? You know how those finger mustache-tattoos are overdone? (Peaches Geldof's kiss-n-tell hookup has three!) So are fake face-mustaches.

    That is a uniform. They make you wear that.

    You do not get style cred because you are holding an instrument. We can play the drums and the clapping hands, but do you see us bragging? No.

    Congratulations, gentlemen, for having hot girlfriends and/or relatives. You don't get accessories points for them.

    Coordinating with the wall is a little too Zach Braff in Garden State for our taste. We don't like to think about Zach Braff.

    Chet K., we know you're trying to make a point about how hunting is awesome and you're manly and this'll show those sissy Esquire readers what's what, but did you have to submit a photo of yourself pulling a dead buck's head up? While wearing the same camouflage that all hunters wear? You make us want to go vegetarian.


    And don't even get us started on the contestant responses to Esquire's style questionnaire. Sigh. Hey entrants, what about a new strategy? Let's look at past year's winners to find out what Esquire wants to see. Doesn't that sound fun and productive? It does. Okay:

    Dan Trepanier, Best Dressed Man 2009

    Kenyatte Nelson, Best Dressed Man 2008

    Conclusion: Esquire likes sharply tailored variations on the suit, layering, and colorful accents. More importantly, they want an action shot. Man up, put on your three-piece, get on your bike, and do some sick jumps. And when you're done, follow Dan and Kenyatte's example and write a response to the questionnaire that includes a gentle joke about your own vanity, a dollop of smugness, and a reference to how your beloved parents influenced your fashion sense.

    Go forth.

    [All photos courtesy of Esquire]