Are You Ready For The ULTIMATE Engagement? We're Not!

by Chiara Atik · March 2, 2010

    You know what really stresses us out? Wedding planning. No one here is getting married any time soon, but we did get an email alerting us to The ULTIMATE Engagement (capitalization ours, for emphasis) Bridal Show at Gotham Hall next week, and practically needed to pop a klonopin from just reading about it.-

    The email read:

    "Between your career, your family, Facebook, and your fiancée, who has time for all of the details to make your wedding the event that you have imagined? "

    Gulp. They're right! If I got engaged, I would never have time to plan a wedding, what with all my Facebook stalking!

    Never fear. For the busy, facebook addicted bride, The ULTIMATE Engagement is offering a Speed-dating type service. You get three minutes with a variety of Wedding Masters, so presumably you can book all your necessities in one day. Forget the Klonopin, brides at this event are gonna need to take adderall.

    The event is free, which is a good thing as brides will probably need to save up if they're planning on purchasing a Sylvia Weinstock cake. Weinstock cakes can feed 5,000 people, probably the amount of guests one would need to invite to justify spending $10,000 on a cake.

    Sylvia herself seems to feel slightly defensive about her exorbitant prices, because the only text on her website reads:

    Ahem, point taken.

    The ULTIMATE Engagement Website provides bios of all the "masters" attending the event, but the most hilarious part is the FAQ section.

    Isn't it so easy to imagine a frantic, panicked bride asking these questions?

    How will I have time to listen to lectures, go to my scheduled meetings, and shop?!

    What happens if I don't get scheduled appointments with all the vendors I want to meet???!!!

    Will there be food?!!?!!?!!!!?!!!!?!!!

    Again, punctuation, obviously, is ours.

    For the busy New York Bride, next Saturday at The ULTIMATE Engagement is sure to be a useful, if slightly packed day. But for the rest of us? We've never been so relieved to be single.