What I Learned This Weekend...My Visitor Guidebook

[Newsflash: This guy is NOT that remarkable]

Having visitors in town that are well traveled and cultured is one thing, having someone that has never been on the outer edges of the country is a very different story. It's not my fault that I may come off as a bad "host" to guests visiting me from middle school (especially guys)...New York is just a difficult host, and that's not my problem. This should be standard knowledge that people "get" before coming here. It's expensive here, it's hard to get around most times, and no, I will not be accompanying you to Ground Zero so you can see the Statue of Liberty. Bitchy? Maybe....But my well traveled guests know this. Whether they're from Rome or Peru, if they've been out, they know the bottle service culture, and they are easy and fun to host. It's the ones that are clueless that pose such a problem, mainly because, their lack of "Manhattan" knowledge makes me get frustrated and impatient. I come off as rude, and short. Why can't there be a manual that these people read on the plane before coming here that would alleviate me from having to explain in detail these unspoken but widely known truths??? Here is the start of my "Guide to showing up as a random visitor to your old friend who you haven't talked to in years who is now living in the 'Big City' manual."

I am looking for a publisher to help me get these produced as short brochures for the masses, to dole out on all major flights into our airports. I plan on even having a short quiz to complete at the back just to make double sure the readers have grasped all of the important concepts. Please let me know if you know anyone that would be interested in helping me. Here's a taste of what I would touch on:

"Day Time Tips":

-Yes the buildings are big here, there's a lot of people, and everyone's moving so quickly. Please stop looking up, stop staring at those hipsters talking about dildos, and stop worrying what street we're on...(um like it matters you're only here a weekend and will never be retaining this anyway) oh...and WALK faster!!!

-I have no interest in showing you Times Square, Ground Zero, Wall Street, the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, The MET, etc. etc. etc. I understand that I am severely under-using my city by not going to it's museums/etc. every single Saturday, but I just don't have the time. Saturdays and Sundays are when I catch up on my people watching during brunch and my DVR taped shit. I WILL stroll around Central Park with you if you take me to Sarabeth's or Fred's on the way back down.

-That's another thing, my brunches don't start before 2, they usually involve lots of coffee and perhaps a bloody mary or two, and there is no rush to get them over with. The lag time is doubled on a Sunday when I try and squeeze onto every last hour I can before night sets in with Monday's unstoppable doom lurking.

-Conversation here is usually a little inappropriate, crass and blunt. Definitely something you're not used to, but please try and hold your shock in. You may even go ahead and speak every now and then if you feel comfortable, no one likes sharing their embarrassing stories from the night before with strangers without getting something back in return.

-On shopping: I can't stand shopping with visitors here. I refuse to do it and will probably have no suggestions on where you should go. Everything will be so different than the Abercrombie's and Gap's you are used to back home that it's probably not worth even looking for you anyway. Even the stores you recognize will be hell for you. There are no fitting rooms, it's very crowded and there's lines everywhere. Now, if you are a visitor mentioned earlier with a hole burning in their pocket, I would be more than happy to escort you around 5th avenue and the like, where the lines are much shorter and the service impeccable.

-I don't have a problem spending money on a taxi to the gym, nor do I have a problem going to the gym just to sit in the steam room for 10 minutes...please stop making me feel like I should.

-A ride around town in a cab with a good tour guide for 20-30 minutes can be more productive than any of those landmarks you are dying to see. This will give us all time for an afternoon nap which you will need for the long night ahead of you....

"Night Time tips"

-Dinner starts promptly at 9:30...10:00 if I forgot to secure a reservation which I most likely did. So please eat something light if this is too late for you. We don't want to hear about how late it is for you either, we know, we know, you people eat at 7:00....Oh it's also probably going to be the most you've spent on a meal in your life. Sorry.

-You're here. So, I have to take you out. It's not something that I LOVE to do, or even do every weekend (though you won't know this because we will look like such pros partying compared to you), it's just that I can't NOT go out when you...you who have never even experienced bottle service, are here. You will curtail off the ones buying the bottles, and won't believe me when I tell you what it's costing. You will stand stupefied for the first 20 minutes inside not even realizing the last 20 text messages I had to send out to get us to that point. You will undoubtedly be a male, as to make my life harder, and will probably wonder why I'm scrambling to find any girls I can to meet up with us....no they aren't coming to be set up with you, they are coming because they owe me from the last weekend when I had to show up to help get their visitors in, that, and because I just got a table at 1Oak and John Mayer may be there. Please for the love of god be wearing some halfway decent shoes.

-We will most likely be arriving at our destination when your counterparts back home would be leaving theirs. Do not keep asking how long we are planning on staying out. But, I'll tell you this: look at the bottles on the table as a good guide. SOMEONE spent a lot on them and at 2k a pop, we 'aint leaving until they are good and dry.

-I actually MAY leave you at some point (with out telling you). I'm really good at this and almost feel like it's my duty to you. A skill-building drill if you will. We've all had to figure out our way home in the wee hours of the morning here and since you never get an opportunity to do that, I figure now is as good as chance as any. I will make it look like it was all your fault the next morning...that you got so drunk (which you did) that you lost me.

-By day two if you haven't shaped up and started to catch on to life here, I'll be counting down the hours until you leave. If you have, well, then my friend you will get rewarded nicely with a massage from my friends in Chinatown and a painkiller to take on the plane ride home, along with tales to tell your grandchildren.

So, after completing the quiz on the last page please make sure to throw all of your previous conceptions out the window and if you don't have any plans of your own and are just expecting me to entertain you, you better be open to doing what I tell you you are going to be doing. Thanks for visiting. Ciao!