One of my favorite, absolutely not-so-guilty pleasures is Ask Polly, The Cut's Agony Aunt column written by the hilarious and unflinchingly wise Heather Havrilesky. Oftentimes, when people come seeking advice about love, dating, and the modern malaise of loneliness, I quite literally read it and weep. But this week's letter has made me, and the rest of the internet, so freaking angry.
This poor woman's in-laws are trying to kill her! And they are totally unabashed about it!
"Dear Polly," the letter begins. "I have a very severe allergy to mushrooms. I carry an EpiPen, and I have been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this food. One time, I began convulsing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My husband politely explained this to his parents when we started dating, and I was invited to family meals."
And, like any normal, life-valuing people, they made it a point to avoid the fungal ingredient that is mostly flavorless and adds no value to any meal whatsoever, right? Wrong. So wrong.
"Since then, most meals we have shared at my in-laws’ house have had very limited options for me. Somehow, they manage to find a way to add mushrooms to almost everything. One time, they made a point to make a special plate of mushrooms and pass it around... They even added mushroom powder to the mashed potatoes at one holiday dinner."
Mushroom powder! To mashed potatoes! That is INSANE.
And in case you're wondering whether this family had a particular attachment to mushrooms before their son married someone whom they could kill: No, they did not. "My husband told me that mushrooms were not a common dish served by his parents before he started dating me."
Needless to say, the absolute disregard for his wife's health has caused a rift between the woman's husband and his family, and ignited one of Polly's best-ever responses. Of course, Twitter also had plenty to say.
Gotta throw the whole in-laws away.
— Bored Man Gets Paid. (@GeeDee215) August 7, 2019
fixed the hed for you:
"My In-Laws Luxuriate in the Senselessly Specific Malevolence of a Medieval German Folktale"
— Rich Bellis (@mr_bellis) August 7, 2019
They gaslit themselves into loving mushrooms so the could murder a person
2019 is wild
— The Original Sangster (@OrginalSangster) August 7, 2019
I read this like an hour ago and I am still not over the MUSHROOM POWDER
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) August 7, 2019
Yeah like the problem is your husband’s family is actually trying to murder your and your husband never had occasion to realize how bad they are until now. Let this off your conscience and move on and say a little prayer they choke on mushrooms.
— Feral Hog Wife (@Expelliarmoire) August 7, 2019
I, for one, am still thinking about the mushroom powder. I really hope someone puts these people on a watch list.