Engagement Ring Court Ruling Is Bad News For Would-Be Brides

by SUSANNAH LONG · April 7, 2010

    Danielle Cavalieri, a former PR rep for Dan Klores, and IT guy John Gunther were supposed to tie the knot last October. It was not to be, and we assume that both cried on their chesterfield couches for many a night. Cavalieri kept the $19,000, 2.2-carat white-gold engagement ring. Now she has to give it back. Darn.--

    Ladies who are hoping to keep that heirloom ring and trade it in for a stretch hummer, let's learn from Cavalieri:





    1. If your last name is Cavalieri, don't color your hair blonde. We're so sure that all the judges out in Nassau watch "The Hills," which means they'll be predisposed against you.

    Danielle Cavalieri                                 Kristin Cavallari [Photo by Victor Alcorn]

    2. When your ex asks for the ring back, immediately claim that it's just now been stolen. Then secret it away for later black-market sale. Suggested hiding places:

    With a trusted and equally bitter friend.

    Inside an ice cube, but make sure it's a really opaque ice cube, because the normal ones are transparent.

    Gosh, we don't know, in a safety deposit box? Buried in the ground? It's not that hard to think of hiding places.

    2. Don't tell your ex 'I'm not ready yet—I'm still too heartbroken" to give the ring back, and then get engaged within a year and a half to someone else. Error, Danielle.

    3. Try to schedule your new wedding for a weekend other than the one immediately after your case is scheduled to come to trial.

    4. And maybe don't get married in the same church where you were supposed to wed your ring-givin' ex. Error, error Danielle.

    5. Don't file a "severe emotional distress" counter-claim for more than 5 times the value of the ring. We want to root for you Danielle, but you make it so hard.

    6. Don't ever fall in love. Cavalieri and her bf were together for nine years. They have prom pictures of themselves together. They had a joint bank account. Now, once again, they're both crying into their chesterfield couches. Let's all go eat some ice cream and research how to maintain cold and invulnerable hearts.

    The wedding we will never have. Oh how we desire it! [Photo via many, many internet sites, because everyone secretly wants a klingon wedding.]