Our Casting Picks For The Redneck Jersey Shore

by SUSANNAH LONG · June 9, 2010

    As TMZ reports, MTV and Doron Ofir Casting is searching for red-blooded rednecks to launch a southern-fried version of Jersey Shore. This may signal the downfall of western civilization, but it's going to be offensive and funny, so whatever.


    Because the Persian and Russian editions of "Jersey Shore" aren't enough for the ravenous tv viewers of this great nation, DOC is searching for "12 lucky guys and gals who are keepin' it country and want to party their asses off." The show, "Party Down South," will find its lucky dozen by sending an RV through through the South . . . though not through the Carolinas or Georgia. Uh, having been raised in Cackalacka, we are pissed. We have enough chewing tobacco, barbecue, and burned-out ATV shells to compete with the best of them.

    Was the redneck joke market tapped back in the 90s? Will this stunningly original reality show get off the ground? Uh, yeah and yeah. And since we anticipate this being a massive hit, we're throwing our trucker cap into the arena early and making some helpful casting suggestions.

    Who should be the new Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Vinny Guadagnino?

    Freight Train Mills                                   The TurtleMan

    We always forget that Ronnie and Vinny are on the show, so we'll go with "Freight Train" Mills, a competitor in the 12th annual Redneck Games, and The TurtleMan. They're athletic just like the gym-happy Jersey boys, and they'll add local color without being intrusive, just like Ronnie and Vinny. As further support for our choice, here's footage of our beloved TurtleMan:

    There are no words. How is he still alive? Magic.

    Who should be the new Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola?

    Sammi "Sweetheart" . . .                      . . .  and Gretchen Wilson.

    Gretchen Wilson, country musician and singer of "Redneck Woman." She looks like she knows her way around a slapfight and a tire-iron, much like Sammi.

    Who should be the new Jenni "JWoww" Farley?

    That girl. Or that girl. Or that girl. Basically anyone with very spherical breasts and a Confederate flag bikini. Fine, we actually like JWoww, who seems like a true-blue friend with a built-in pillow to rest one's head upon whilst sobbing about getting punched in the face. Thus, Jessica Simpson should take over the JWoww role, for Jessica too is voluptuous and sweet-natured, and says dumb things. She's got a streak of redneck, right?

    Lil' bit.

    Who should be the new Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio?

    Jeffy . . .                                              . . . and Billy Ray

    Jeff Foxworthy himself. Foxworthy has a lock on redneck humor, and thus must be a central fixture of the show. Anytime anyone anywhere makes a redneck joke, Foxworthy receives 2,000 dollars and a jar of pigs' ears in royalties. We would also consider Billy Ray Cyrus, who has a a meticulously maintained mullet to rival Pauly's gelled-stiff sea-anemone flat-top 'do.

    Who should be the new Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino?

    We found these photos on a website called Trace Adkins Shirtless. No joke.

    Trace Adkins, the country music mastermind behind "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" (which, in case you've forgotten, includes the lyrics "Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong"). As you can see above, he's got a chest, and he knows how to pose. The Situation worked as an exotic dancer for a bit, and Trace Adkins likes exotic dancers, so the connection between the two gentlemen is nigh on unbreakable. Refresh your memory of the music video here. It's upsetting, and yet curiously compelling . . . just like Jersey Shore.

    Who should be the new Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi?