An Open Letter To Tristan Thompson

Dear Tristan,

Congratulations. You have achieved a near impossible feat that no mere mortal has ever been able to achieve, which is somehow managing to be more hateful, disgusting, and sickening than Jonathan Cheban.

Yes, I just went there. But don't worry, Jonathan Cheban, I still hate you.

The Kardashians are the dream family to be a part of. Lord knows I've been lobbying to get Kris Jenner to adopt me for years. I probably love them more than my own family, if we're being honest. I'm sorry, Mom, but I would rather have an intentionally misspelled name starting with a "K" than be named Millicent Barkhorn. Literally anyone would give anything to be a part of that family. So why would you fuck all that up?

You have have devastated the royal family of America. You may not be able to tell how sad they are because given amount of Botox they inject into their faces, they aren't capable of displaying emotion anymore, but I guarantee you they are heartbroken for Khloe. 

Look, I'm not going to blame the sidechicks for sleeping with you. I've seen tons of young women be manipulated into relationships with guys that have baby mamas, live-in girlfriends, and wives. And every single time, the guy plays victim and manipulates the sidechicks into the situation. Did you really think that those women would have your back once you got caught? No, they wouldn't. They aired you out by posting your sexts (which sound kind of coercive and creepy, by the way) and one even posted an alleged sex tape. And they probably would've shown the receipts on every social media interface possible even before you got caught. You screwed over the one person who had your back no matter what just so you could screw girls who would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.

Also, why would you fuck over the Kardashian family? They are the most powerful family in America. Kris Jenner is probably the first female to ever get to join the Illuminati, and that cult is connected as F. The Kardashians would probably be able to slaughter you and get away with it. Their dad helped OJ Simpson get away with murder that he so obviously committed - do you really think they didn't inherit that gene? 

More importantly, why would you fuck with me, someone who once got stranded in Vegas because she spent all her money at the Mirage Hotel's Kardashian Khaos store? I've ranked their small, innocent children based on looks and charisma (but mostly looks). I've called them smarter than you. I've written about them obsessively for over a year now. I. Have. An. Addiction. 

Also do you have any idea how insane I am? Should I ever get my hands on you (which is entirely possible because I have an amazing ass and a pulse, so you'd definitely be about it), I promise you I'll cut your wandering D off with a rusted butterknife so that you never screw or speak to another woman ever again. Your dick is literally a disservice to society.

Karma isn't just a song off of Waka Flocka Flame's magnum opus "Flockaveli," Tristan. It is a legitimate concept that means that your actions will reap the consequences that you deserve. And karma is T.T.G. (Trained To Go) kick you Hard In The Motherfuckin' Taint. (LOL see what I did there? Such a great album.)

Love,

Millie

[Photo via @khloekardashian]