"She's Begging For Sea Biscuit": The Best Lines Of "Jersey Shore" Episode 3

by Emily Green · January 18, 2011

    Last night's special Monday episode of "Jersey Shore" was like a surprise gift from the workweek fairy as consolation for having to work on MLK Day when it's 80 degrees and sunny out. Let's observe the gold medal-winning utterances from this third episode of the gang's return to Seaside Heights.

    Mike The Situation more than made up for his weak showing in the last episode, unloading precious nuggets from his valuable trove of wisdom this week. But where he really shined was in his assessment of his failed threesome:

    The Situation: "Every guy has a dream of having a threesome with two women, obviously. Maybe not with Deena and Snooks, but uh, I was goin' along wit it, only because... it was a threesome. YouknowwhatI'msayin?"

    Absolutely. In this, he also demonstrates his analytical prowess with an analogy:

    The Situation: "All of a sudden, Snooks sneaks out of the bed and I'm left with Deena. That's like havin chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, and then somebody takes away the chicken... and then they left you with salt and pepper."

    For good measure, we'd like to present a little sampling of some instances in which his cleverness and sharp sensibility are at a high, a phenomenon which appears to be triggered when he's talking about Deena The Wawwwlking Holiday.

    When The Sitch's threesome doesn't pan out:

    The Situation: "I was lookin' for that threesome, turned into just da, you know, da D-some."

    How he escapes Deena's desperate guidess clutches by fleeing to the kitchen:

    The Situation: "I invented the kitchen ditchin.'"

    On Deena's prompt ejection for being too tanked to stand at the crew's favorite nightclub, Karma:

    The Situation: "Deena calls herself the Holiday, and I like to call her the Holiday Inn. So 6 minutes and 53 seconds into Karma, uh, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight."

    As for Deena herself, who had a very strong initial showing in the first episode, did not live up to the precedent, which happens when you set the bar so high. Her crowning moment was during her and Jwoww's cruise down the boardwalk in search of some relief for their nasty hangovers:

    Deena: "I keep getting cameltoe, I feel."

    Let this be a lesson that If you can actually FEEL your own cameltoe happening, think of how vivid it must be to everyone around you.

    Last night's episode served as confirmation of our suspicions that Ronnie is hands down the dumbest of all the cast mates.

    Ron: "Turkey burgers are frozen together, not coming apart. So it's like fuck it, I'm throwin' 'em all on."

    Ron: "I need... a mind condom because I'm being mind fucked."

    At least Snooki is hammered into oblivion when most of the thoughts that come out of her mouth are formulated. RonRon has no excuse.

    We also learned Vinny's pet name for his wang as he staves off Snooki's sexual advances:

    Vinny: "She's begging for Sea Biscuit. Like, literally, LITERALLY begging. A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting to."

    We've expressed our adoration of Pauly D and dubbed him the lovable Labrador Retriever of the group. Apparently he's well aware of his winning character, so we were just as appalled and horrified as him when he was assailed in Karma by his shameless stalker from last summer:

    Pauly D: "I don't know why Danielle The Stalker threw a drink at me. I haven't talked to this girl in a yeeeeaaa. Trow a drink at my face? Me?? Of all people?"

    The humanity...

    The centerpiece of last night's episode was Snooki and tracked her perpetual state of hammered since coming to the Shore. During this investigation of her unrelenting re-toxing, we see how her peers react to her drunken behavior.

    As she chomps into a raw potato at the house:

    Vinny: "You're not supposed to eat a potato like that."

    Even her boss at the t-shirt shop expresses his concern for Snooks when she begs him for a beer while working and says she's willing to do whatever it takes, offering to lick the carpets:

    Danny: "You're ready to lick the carpets? This is called rock bottom. Go get a coffee."

    Over the course of her drunken stupor Snooki let out some remarkable proclamations. While walking into the gym with Pauly:

    Snooki: "I think I should have wore underwear."

    Kind of out of nowhere and to no one in particular around her we get a gratuitous bathroom update:

    Snooki: "I have ta poop."

    While totally shitfaced in broad daylight as she runs along on the boardwalk, which by definition runs parallel to the coast of the beach:

    Snooki: "WHERE'S THE BEEACH???"

    This little escapade ends badly for poor Snickers when she gets arrested for being a shitfaced mess and making a scene on the beach. She protests to the cops' apprehending her and incoherently tries to convince them to let her go:

    Snooki: "I'm a fuckin' good person!"

    But her convincing is unsuccessful and she's taken away to the police station. Jwoww, always thinking on her toes, determines that she must call Snooki's father to inform him of his daughter's arrest with tact, sensitivity and respect:

    Jwoww: "Hi, is this Snooks dad? Hi Mr. Polizzi, it's Jwoww. Nicole just got arrested for public intoxication."

    We are sure looking forward to our second dose of life on the Jersey Shore with our favorite guidos this week.

    [All photos via MTV]