Presidential Candidates Speak Up For Sushi's Sake

by J. J. HUNSECKER · January 25, 2008


    [Photo from Gridskipper]

    "Is this a joke?" That was the first thing that came to my mind while reading the article in the Times today about the Presidential candidates' campaign staff speaking out in their candidate's names about the Mercury Sushi Scare that has been plaguing our city. If you are having a hard time deciding on who to pick, as the thought of anyone in office over Bush makes you giddy with excitement, maybe their sushi stances will help make your decision easier:

    John Edwards: “We have to stand up for the millions of impoverished Americans who go to bed every night unable even to dream about tuna sushi. This is the other America, not the fat cats plunking down $400 at places like Masa in New York. We need to speak up for the little guy, the guy who gets mercury poisoning and then sits for hours in a hospital emergency room because he can’t afford health insurance.”

    Bill Clinton (on Hillary's behalf of course): "Don’t believe these fairy tales, but don’t roll the dice, either. The mercury isn’t a problem if ingested in small doses. Hillary and I are urging all you good people who love tuna maki to cut it into little pieces. Dice the roll.”

    John McCain: “I’m too old to be scared, my friends, we’ve been through hard times before, but we can overcome this transcendent challenge. I don’t have to tell you, my friends, about my years in Asia. I have the experience, my friends, to handle this sushi ordeal.”

    Mitt Romney: “It’s all that immigrant fish, we’re not controlling our borders. I promise you that on my watch we will not be a sanctuary for dangerous foreign tuna."

    Mike Huckabee: “Nowhere does the Bible mention sushi in the Garden of Eden. Give me that old-time cuisine. If it was good enough for Adam and Eve, it’s good enough for me.”

    Rudolph Giuliani: “This is a very, very serious problem, and I don’t want to minimize how very, very important it is. But trust me, Sept. 11 was a lot worse.”

    Barrack Obama: “Unlike other candidates, I have been saying since 2002 that we were headed down a disastrous road with our sushi policy, but what we need now is a president who will not use this crisis just to scare up votes. We need a president who can get past the tired, old partisan divisions that pit one kind of fish against another. It’s fine to get the mercury out of tuna. But all fish are in this together. We can’t rest until we have safe sushi of all types, all across this great land. To those who say we aim too high, we say, ‘Yes, we can.’ ”

    So whether you're calling off sushi competely in the name of the Lord, or believe we, like Obama's fish are "all in this thing together", there's a candidate to support your view on, you know, the really important stuff.