Derek Jeter Is The Latest Star Victim Of Bathroom Stall Sabotage

by BILLY GRAY · January 6, 2010

    Bar bathrooms used to be the last semi-public place where celebs escaped the paparazzi glare.  The stars' restroom antics (hoovering cocaine) beat ours (crying in the shower), but still provided a Just Like Us! epiphany.  But recent incidents suggest that the fortress of solitude is endangered!




    EV Grieve alerted us to the most recent, ludicrous and over-the-top threat against the bathroom as star sanctum. It comes in the form of a series of bathroom graffiti tags that accuse beloved Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter of raping the author's son. Just in case you've never visited a bar or diner bathroom stall to find your phone number listed as the one to "call for a good time," these modern day cave etchings are as bogus as Tila Tequila's knockers. But like those synthetic blobs, they insist on being seen! This particular bit of wholly ungrounded slander has been especially stubborn, appearing in malodorous lavatories all across the crowded, PBR-soaked map of East Village dive bars.

    It's true that stars themselves are partly to blame for this incursion. The blowjob Josh Hartnett received in the bathroom of the closet-sized East Village watering hole Mama's Bar made for Clinton-Lewinski-level fodder in the gleefully shallow waters of the celebrity blogosphere.

    And no discussion of high-profile loo misbehavior would be complete without a mention of serial offender Lindsay Lohan. The Freckled One made waves for some primitive wall postings of her own when she wrote that  "Scarlett Is A Cunt" in the Lower East Side's Dark Room. (We can only assume this referred to O'Hara and not Lindsay's chesty rival, Johansson). Then there was the obligatory key bump footage. And, best of all, a 2006 ode to the freshly deceased Robert Altman that Lohan typed on her Sidekick (remember those?) while slumped on the john. Who knows what Lohan was on that night, but it was an obituary whose incomprehensible stream-of-consciousness would make Kerouac think twice about typing during amphetamine binge.

    We don't want to imagine a future where our beloved celebrities no longer relieve themselves beside us. Whether the stars or the wackos who love them are to blame for this breakdown in bathroom civility, it's time both offending parties wash their hands of it.