This Goop Newsletter Just Blew Me Away

by Millie Moore · February 21, 2019

    Gwyneth Paltrow is knocked for her God complex and acting like a sanctimonious, out of touch trust fund baby. I can't hate her because I totally identify with the God complex and out of touch trust fund (dumpster) baby because...well, have you read any of my articles on this site? And I definitely think she has every right to be sanctimonious because she lives such a regimented, healthy lifestyle. I mean, I took apple cider vinegar shots and drank collagen four days in a row this week and now I think I'm better than everybody.

    But recently, however, I've stopped reading Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop newsletters as much as I used to. It's not that I've grown to resent all the oils and jade eggs, it's because I'm too poor to fully appreciate them. To save money, I've had to switch from Ubers to Uber Pools. I make my own green smoothies instead of going to Juice Press (but that's also to avoid the cashier who asked me to review his shitty rap group; ahem, that is my review). 

    But once again, Gwyneth Paltrow has blown me away harder than...well, that time Gwyneth Paltrow allegedly blew over some unsuspecting man while skiing in Utah. LOL it happens. But what shook me to my (kind of) toned and (kind of) perpetually tanned core?


    Okay fine, it's not that earth shattering. It is funny though so I felt inclined to click it. Whenever I'm at this bar in Connecticut, I always order their cocktail Chutt Stuff even though it's not worth $16 just because it sounds like "butt stuff." I once even donated $50 to a Super PAC called "Butt Stuff 2016." I still have no idea who or what that Super PAC supported, or what, exactly, a Super PAC is. But they gave me a sweatshirt that says "Butt Stuff 2016," and that's all that really matters.

    Anyways, I actually perused the newsletter thinking it was about enemas and colonics. I LOVE colonics and anyone who follows me on Twitter knows this because I live tweet them. And enemas seem dope. 

    But nope, it's about the "mind-gut connection" because if you eat terribly, you apparently become terrible. Ohhhhhh, so that explains why Jonathan Cheban is the absolute worst and why he makes a living off of his diabetes-encouraging Instagram. Did I mention that I'm the reason he deleted his Twitter BTW? (NVM I did yesterday. And at parties. And funerals!). 

    The newsletter also features an article about how we all have twin spirits out there that are like, the other half of ourselves. Um, I don't want to meet the other half of myself because I don't need to know what the other half of a person who had a child leash used on them until the age of 9 is like. Also, I don't think I can share a soul with someone since I have no soul. 

    But I digress. Yes, Gwyneth did disappoint me by not actually talking about butts following this very cheeky headline. But at least she gave me something to laugh to myself about in public, which always manages to freak out some passersby.

    Gut stuff. LOL. 

    [Photo via @goop]